My Name is Luka.....

"Luka" By Suzanne Vega
My name is Luka
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes I think you've seen me before

If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble. some kind of fight
Just don't ask me what it was
Just don't ask me what it was
Just don't ask me what it was

I think it's because I'm clumsy
I try not to talk too loud
Maybe it's because I'm crazy
I try not to act too proud

They only hit until you cry
And after that you don't ask why
You just don't argue anymore
You just don't argue anymore
You just don't argue anymore

Yes I think I'm okay
I walked into the door again
Well, if you ask that's what I'll say
And it's not your business anyway
I guess I'd like to be alone
With nothing broken, nothing thrown

Just don't ask me how I am


A friend of mine, that is dear to my heart is going through a divorce.....and in turn makes me start to think about about my divorce.....and the reason for it, and the turn of events that lead up to it! The Marriage itself only lasted a total of 4 months.....and even still....was the longest part of my life ever. As most of my closest of friends know....that it is not something that I enjoy talking about.....but I am getting better about it. I am starting to realize more and more of whatt happened now that I have been away from the situation for such awhile. See this time of my life is before I found out that I was bipolar. But of course.....strongly beleive that I was already suffereing from it. I am not saying that my ex's actions were called for in anyway....but I am understanding and excepting that my bipolar may have had a big role in all! Now understand this is still really hard for me.....so I may leave out big factors, and may of course not even make a world of sence, but........................
We got married on June 23rd 2001. We had lived together for a year or so before we got married....and everything was great...or well so I thought! We were planning and family and everything. On june 24th...things started getting really odd!! My sister had paid for us to have a room at the local holiday inn for our honeymoon night! Yes were poor...but I thought happy! Anyway...he wanted to stay in the hotel another night.....so he took me home....and made me sell all of my jewelry and such so that we could afford the room. It started out with him telling me....why do you need all of the jewelry from other guys or whatever....i have now and I dont need those consant reminders of others. It all made sence to me....but when I started to get weepy over something that my mother gave me....but he knew it would make some cash....he started to smack me and tell me that I didnt love him, and didnt want to have a nice honeymoon with him! Things just went on from there. He decided that i needed to quit my job, because he wanted to be with me more often...and he couldnt have me whenever he wanted me...if I had a job. Well I refused to quit.....so he went to my boss and told them, a bunch of aweful things that I suposedily said about them and etc. Which if I had been in the job awhile I figured they would have known better...or at least have talked to me about it.....But I had only been at the job for a few months, and Idaho being a right to work state.....they fired....on the phone! then he proceeded to beat the crap out of me for not doing what I was told! Now see....im a pretty strong willed person....and I was thaught to be a independant thinker....and I didnt just roll over and take it....I faught back...each and everytime. and me being in idaho, I thought I had no-one!! And that no-one would understand. Things were rough.....but everybody says the first year of marriage is the hardest.... I dont know....and I guess part of me....since I didnt know what a healthy marriage looked like, since my parents were never an example for me.....I really didnt know what to expect. Things just continued...all the time. There really wasent a moment in a day, that when we were toegther we werent fighting about one thing or another. I was getting to the point were I was just getting really tired of fighting. I would just lay there.....let him do whatever he wanted. I started to beleive that I was his wife.....which as he said I was his property. "There was this one time...." that we were talking about kids.....See orginally he said that he wanted children...but after we got married he changed his mind....I wanted me to himself....He hated how some of his friends were getting ignored by their wives because they had to take care of the children....well....that was one of this biggest fights that I remember.,..... I was shocked...i didnt understand why his opionin would change like that.... and I kept trying to reasure him that he would always be my number one and etc. (YES I WAS SICK, the things that go through my mind....a any womens mind when she is going through this sort of thing.) Well of course we ended in a major physical battle....he was trying to get me to shut up....and had me pressed against a wall by holding me by the throat....anyway....I was trying to wrap my leg around his to try to trip him up....well he proceeded to step on my foot to stop me.....well.....it went from there.....but as most of my friends know....I still have these weird marks on my foot....and some odd strange pain....that gets pretty severe! (doctor thinks I may have nerve or cartledge damage). Anyway....the way that it finally ended!!!............. It was 9/11! He had gone to work....and I was at home! Accually asleep....when a close friend of mine called me...and told me to turn on the news....My heart....it sank...I couldnt breathe....all of those people.....and..and....and...My sister!!! See my sister worked in Manhattan.....I called my sister......busy signal...over and over and over again....I called my mom....she knew...she had been trying to call my sister all morning too..... but all of the phone lines in NY were down...... Finally after all of us freaking out and watching was happening we received an email from my sister at I dunno 9 or 10 at night! But when my ex...had gottan home I was freaking out....we still had, had no word of what was happening....of course my mind couldnt think anything but the worse....I was sobbing....uncontrollably.....He got SOOOO MAD! he didnt care....all he wanted was for me to shut up!!! He was shaking me...and smacking me...and I just kept crying....He did everything that he could to show me that he didnt care about me or my family in the slightest bit.....He ended up dragging me up the stairs to the bedroom....and held me out the bedroom window.....he told me that I was gonna shut the hell up or he was dropping me! Finally something came over me.....I dont know what it was.....and I said if you just wanna get rid of me...divorce me! Finally after basically hanging out of the window....and almost bleeding to death....and much pleading and begging....he agreeed.! The next day we went and started divorce procedures....I stayed in town.... I dunno why!! but i stayed...i guess to make sure to get it done! He for the most part stopped fighting with me....and stopped beating me...except for the occional rape here and there.... The papers were signed and filed on oct 6th....I left.. Oct 7! the Divorce was finalized Oct 31st! Yep it was quick! I gave him everything...I wanted nothing! Just my life! My mom flew out and came and got me! And the Lord blessed me with that once more!! Life!

Well this is all I seem able to share right now!! Hope you all understand!








A Broken Wing
By Martina Mcbride



She loved him like he was
The last man on Earth
Gave him everything she ever had
He'd break her spirit down
Then come lovin' up on her.

Give a little, then take it back
She'd tell him about her dreams
He'd just shoot 'em down
Lord he loved to make her cry

"You're crazy for believin'
You'd ever leave the ground"
He said "only angels know how to fly"
And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky

With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you oughta see her fly

One Sunday morning
She didn't go to church
He wondered why she didn't leave
He went up to the bedroom
Found a note by the window
With the curtains blowin' in the breeze


And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you oughta see her fly

With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you oughta see her fly











"Alive" By J Lo

Time goes slowly now in my life
Fear no more of what I'm not sure

Searching to feel your soul
The strength to stand alone
the power of not knowing and letting go

I guess I've found my way it's simple when its right
Feeling lucky just to be here tonight
and happy just be me and be alive.

Love, in and out, of my... my heart,
And though life can be strange I can't be afraid

Searching to feel your soul, the strength to stand alone,
The power of not knowing and letting go

I guess I've found my way it's simple when it's right
Feeling lucky just to be here tonight
and happy just to be me and be alive
I guess I've found my way it's simple
when its right feeling lucky just to be here tonight and
happy just to be me and to be alive.

I guess I've found my way it's simple when it's right
Feeling lucky just to be here tonight
and happy just to be me and be alive
I guess I've found my way it's simple
when its right feeling lucky just to be here tonight and
happy just to be me and to be alive.