New Hair, New Year, New Start!

I have been looking at some of my old blogs. Its amazing how much I feel the way way then I did 2 or 3 years ago. Also in the same respect, I feel that I have been on this journey to being more publicly "Normal"....but while on that journey I feel that I have completely lost who I truly am. I have so many Burdens on my heart that really I just need to let them go, because honestly they just dont matter at all!
Some people probably wonder why do not edit my blogs, or heck even sensore my blogs..... and honestly your missing the point. The point is not for me to communicate with the world, in this frabricated way....The point of this blog is two-fold.....First: The Blog is a SAFE way for me to release some of the Bipolar energy that I can not release in any other way. And Second: For the World to understand how random and how quickly a bipolar persons mind can switch from one thought to another and they me not even know it. Honestly if I were to sit here and "EDIT" after I was completly done, the only EDIT that would be done is DELETE! And honestly I dont want to Delete these blogs....the reason is Also two-fold.... first I get some real insights into myself when I look back at my old blogs. and Second, when people comment, or even verbally tell me what they thought about what I said and such it also gives me things to focus my thoughts onto. Now That being said..... My Blogs in NO WAY are meant to upset or to offend someone. But You have to know that this is my way of venting my feelings and thoughts. I WILL NOT edit my thoughts! I have to do that so much of my life already.....and you may not understand how painful it is, to hide yourself from those who think they know you or understand you, but it rips my soul out every time I do it.... Honestly as of lately I almost feel like I no longer have a soul....Back to the point....I will not sensore my thoughts or feelings, this is my outlet! You have to understand that I am not going to like everything that you do or say to me..... Just as you do not like everything that I say or do to you! But This is my outlet! I reccomend that if you do not like it you can either STOP READING, or you can get your own damn blog and vent it out! I do think that it is completley ridiculous that I now have to SENSORE my facebook page, because my husband's sister married a WANKER! I mean seriously, Do you really think its all about you? (I mean other then this portion of this blog right here) Because it wasent, its still not! You Naive lil F'er!!!! You have never said a word to me in person! And then you write some BS comment on my facebook, and I tried I really tried to be as nice and polite as I can, even though YOUR RUDE! and now we have a family incident on our hands! Give me a Flippin break! Pull your head out of your ass and get a clue!!!! Oh and your wife may deal with your abusive personality BUT I WILL NOT! I didnt deal with it from my Ex-Husband, and I WONT deal with it from you! You just test me lil man! If you wanna go run to Mommy again, thats just fine..... But I will bring DAD into this, and then where will you be!? Dont temp me!! SO BUGGER OFF!
So 2009 has been CRAP of a year! My goal is to make sure that 2010 is at least a more enjoyable one. Live Life as if I were Dying! I dont really care what tomorrow brings! Lets Just enjoy today....Live in the Moment! 2009 also really lacked some good Blogs! I guess I was using Facebook more and a blog! Well Thats over now! Oh and if any of you wonder why there will no longer be status updates, or blog links in my facebook, you can go thank the WANKER! ;) I dont wont this blog to be private....but ovbiously some people cant handle it! So for them, THEY DONT HAVE TO LOOK AT IT! But for the rest of you, who accually care about what goes in my life and or my mind......please carry on and read away! I also aplogize for my temper! If you cant tell ive been pretty upset about this for awhile now!
My Grandma Riddell passed away this past Wednesday. She was my Father's Mother. I recon I will write a blog just to her, in the nearest of futures. I will miss her terribly, But I am happy that she is with the Lord now! My thoughts and Prayers go out to my Sister's in OHIO! I guess thats all I have to say about that, for now! :(
Its amazing lately I can not write about things very well RIGHT when they happen.... I have been having to wait! My emotions have been seemingly to
much for me to be able to think about, write about, or even comepletely understand.
So for the New Year I CUT MY HAIR!!! I have been wanting to cut it super short for such a long time, But J does not like it so much, so for him I have been keeping it longer! (Longer then what I wanted, But not LONG by any means!) I have been completely feeling out of control of my life lately, just with all the life drama that has been going on. So I decided that one thing that I could control was my hair! Kinda a new beginging for me. This year I plan to find myself again. I feel like I have been so lost for so long... I plan to write more blogs....Im hoping to AT LEAST write 1 blog every 2 weeks.....if not more~! Even if they are a little shorter, I think that will be fine. Also this year, I plan to write only positive facebook status's....if I need to say more, then I shall be in a blog! It's funny, that even though Im serioulsy annoyed that I now have a "Family Incident" on my hands, It all seems to have happend for a reason, God really does make things happen for a reason, and its just our job to make the most of it. This is also true when It comes to the Roommate situation. I was kinda becoming a major bump on a log when I came home from work, and would just sit down and watch TV and comepletely disapear from reality. The Roommate being here, and me moving the Furniture, I think was all in Gods Plans. His plan to get me off my BUTT! and do something ANYTHING! So blogging, excercizing, being a better wife, heck even talking to people on the phone more often (for some people, that isent a good thing...but for me, I ussually only text message people, so if you dont communicate via text message, I ussually dont communicate with you)....these are all things that I plan to do with my new start this year! Its a Goal at least! ;) I think that this may be one of the first times I have ever accually made a New Years Resolution! Good For Me! :) Im trying somethings new! HAHAHA

Staring at the Salad Bowl, Completely Spaced Out!!

So the last few weeks have just been crazy and intense....most of all for me within my mind. When I am stressed, I pull within myself and cant figure out what the Heck! So on Dec 1st my lovely sweet husband decided when I was already stressed to to gill with life dramas to ask me an important question. His friend was getting kicked out of his apartment that night and had no place to go, other then for him and his 2 cats to sleep in his car. Well in the begining of Dec this year we were having some 15 degree nights in P-town, and me being the person I am, I said that for a short period of time the friend could move in, because I felt bad for him. Now this Freind had been asking us for prolly 2 years if he could move in, but I always had an excuse of why I could say no. At this moment, all my truthful answers were gone! And the friend had cash in hand for rent, and honestly some of the life dramas we were having had to do with the lack of money. Needless to say my life has comepletely been turned upside down. I have so many feelings about this whole situation, I do even know where to start. And well this "Friend" and I REALLY do butt heads. One fight after another after another after another, I felt like I was more then done with EVERYTHING....The roommate, work, marriage, everything honestly feels like its killing me in this slow and incridibly painful way. No its not all about the roommate, but honestly I may be able to cope with the other life CRAP if this wasent attacking my mind, heart, and soul every 2 F'in seconds! So yesterday, John's Step Dad called him to tell him that the family had pre planned DAYS ago this christmas gathering, but as ussual we are the last to be informed about it, because John is so easy going, he just deals with this crap! DUDE we had less the 4 hours notice! WHAT IS THAT? I honestly would have just said that we were busy and skipped it! Its not like it really was that big of a deal if we hadent shown up.... Mom would have been sad for like a Minute! but there were so many people there you wouldnt have noticed the lack of US!! Dude.... You barely noticed us there! GOOD TIMES GOOD TIMES! anyway, we went, i got incribly overwhelmed like 5 different times, and had to step outside for fresh air at least twice! there where people everywhere, and some that were really LOUD AND CRAZY! Football Fan's, "I DONT GET IT" as the roommate would say ALL THE FREAKIN time! so now we are at the dinner table and every body is talking and being MARRY!!! and I just kinda uh..... Spaced Out! So I guess while I was spacing out I was looking at my step brother in law?!?!?! who was holding the salad Bowl... I guess I was giving his some SUPER crazy eyes over it too.....He suddenly stopped dishing out his salad so that he could hand me the Bowl because he thought I was REALLY WANTING THE SALAD LIKE CRAZY!!! Anyway, it was the best part of the whole night, Laughing at my weirdness! ;) I didnt want the salad. We eneded up leaving soon after that, because my J man was not feeling so well.... I think it was the Heat... It serioulsy felt like a SAUNA!! serioulsy people TURN DOWN THE HEAT! We eneded up taking a long drive home through the country with the windows comepletely down, just to recouperate from it all.... and I was once again reassured of why I SHOULD NEVER DRIVE! But i think thats another story! Did you all kow that next week is Christmas? Dont even get me started on what the roommate says about christmas!! But let me just say it was a 3 hours lecture about why it is not a Christian Holiday! UGH! None the less I do NOT feel the Christmas Spirit upon me at all!!! I wont even have the money for presents until Wed night! Talk about last minute! Which ive never done! But I dont really even seem to care this year! I am completely done with 2009...... and I just want it to be over with.... I plan to CUT ALL MY HAIR OFF to start 2010.... Needless to say J man isent so Happy of this choice! But I need to do what I need to do! I need to be able to control something in my life! And that is currently the only thing i have! So I think my new years resolution is to BLOG more about the CRAPPY POO in my life, but try and be more positive everywhere else! I kinda suck at remember to use this as an outlet. Which I really should instead of my facebook status's! So Wish me luck, and feel free to hold me accountable, when im POOR MEING! I wish you all love and peace in your hearts! And may the Holdy Spirit be with us all!