New Hair, New Year, New Start!

I have been looking at some of my old blogs. Its amazing how much I feel the way way then I did 2 or 3 years ago. Also in the same respect, I feel that I have been on this journey to being more publicly "Normal"....but while on that journey I feel that I have completely lost who I truly am. I have so many Burdens on my heart that really I just need to let them go, because honestly they just dont matter at all!
Some people probably wonder why do not edit my blogs, or heck even sensore my blogs..... and honestly your missing the point. The point is not for me to communicate with the world, in this frabricated way....The point of this blog is two-fold.....First: The Blog is a SAFE way for me to release some of the Bipolar energy that I can not release in any other way. And Second: For the World to understand how random and how quickly a bipolar persons mind can switch from one thought to another and they me not even know it. Honestly if I were to sit here and "EDIT" after I was completly done, the only EDIT that would be done is DELETE! And honestly I dont want to Delete these blogs....the reason is Also two-fold.... first I get some real insights into myself when I look back at my old blogs. and Second, when people comment, or even verbally tell me what they thought about what I said and such it also gives me things to focus my thoughts onto. Now That being said..... My Blogs in NO WAY are meant to upset or to offend someone. But You have to know that this is my way of venting my feelings and thoughts. I WILL NOT edit my thoughts! I have to do that so much of my life already.....and you may not understand how painful it is, to hide yourself from those who think they know you or understand you, but it rips my soul out every time I do it.... Honestly as of lately I almost feel like I no longer have a soul....Back to the point....I will not sensore my thoughts or feelings, this is my outlet! You have to understand that I am not going to like everything that you do or say to me..... Just as you do not like everything that I say or do to you! But This is my outlet! I reccomend that if you do not like it you can either STOP READING, or you can get your own damn blog and vent it out! I do think that it is completley ridiculous that I now have to SENSORE my facebook page, because my husband's sister married a WANKER! I mean seriously, Do you really think its all about you? (I mean other then this portion of this blog right here) Because it wasent, its still not! You Naive lil F'er!!!! You have never said a word to me in person! And then you write some BS comment on my facebook, and I tried I really tried to be as nice and polite as I can, even though YOUR RUDE! and now we have a family incident on our hands! Give me a Flippin break! Pull your head out of your ass and get a clue!!!! Oh and your wife may deal with your abusive personality BUT I WILL NOT! I didnt deal with it from my Ex-Husband, and I WONT deal with it from you! You just test me lil man! If you wanna go run to Mommy again, thats just fine..... But I will bring DAD into this, and then where will you be!? Dont temp me!! SO BUGGER OFF!
So 2009 has been CRAP of a year! My goal is to make sure that 2010 is at least a more enjoyable one. Live Life as if I were Dying! I dont really care what tomorrow brings! Lets Just enjoy today....Live in the Moment! 2009 also really lacked some good Blogs! I guess I was using Facebook more and a blog! Well Thats over now! Oh and if any of you wonder why there will no longer be status updates, or blog links in my facebook, you can go thank the WANKER! ;) I dont wont this blog to be private....but ovbiously some people cant handle it! So for them, THEY DONT HAVE TO LOOK AT IT! But for the rest of you, who accually care about what goes in my life and or my mind......please carry on and read away! I also aplogize for my temper! If you cant tell ive been pretty upset about this for awhile now!
My Grandma Riddell passed away this past Wednesday. She was my Father's Mother. I recon I will write a blog just to her, in the nearest of futures. I will miss her terribly, But I am happy that she is with the Lord now! My thoughts and Prayers go out to my Sister's in OHIO! I guess thats all I have to say about that, for now! :(
Its amazing lately I can not write about things very well RIGHT when they happen.... I have been having to wait! My emotions have been seemingly to
much for me to be able to think about, write about, or even comepletely understand.
So for the New Year I CUT MY HAIR!!! I have been wanting to cut it super short for such a long time, But J does not like it so much, so for him I have been keeping it longer! (Longer then what I wanted, But not LONG by any means!) I have been completely feeling out of control of my life lately, just with all the life drama that has been going on. So I decided that one thing that I could control was my hair! Kinda a new beginging for me. This year I plan to find myself again. I feel like I have been so lost for so long... I plan to write more blogs....Im hoping to AT LEAST write 1 blog every 2 weeks.....if not more~! Even if they are a little shorter, I think that will be fine. Also this year, I plan to write only positive facebook status's....if I need to say more, then I shall be in a blog! It's funny, that even though Im serioulsy annoyed that I now have a "Family Incident" on my hands, It all seems to have happend for a reason, God really does make things happen for a reason, and its just our job to make the most of it. This is also true when It comes to the Roommate situation. I was kinda becoming a major bump on a log when I came home from work, and would just sit down and watch TV and comepletely disapear from reality. The Roommate being here, and me moving the Furniture, I think was all in Gods Plans. His plan to get me off my BUTT! and do something ANYTHING! So blogging, excercizing, being a better wife, heck even talking to people on the phone more often (for some people, that isent a good thing...but for me, I ussually only text message people, so if you dont communicate via text message, I ussually dont communicate with you)....these are all things that I plan to do with my new start this year! Its a Goal at least! ;) I think that this may be one of the first times I have ever accually made a New Years Resolution! Good For Me! :) Im trying somethings new! HAHAHA

Staring at the Salad Bowl, Completely Spaced Out!!

So the last few weeks have just been crazy and intense....most of all for me within my mind. When I am stressed, I pull within myself and cant figure out what the Heck! So on Dec 1st my lovely sweet husband decided when I was already stressed to to gill with life dramas to ask me an important question. His friend was getting kicked out of his apartment that night and had no place to go, other then for him and his 2 cats to sleep in his car. Well in the begining of Dec this year we were having some 15 degree nights in P-town, and me being the person I am, I said that for a short period of time the friend could move in, because I felt bad for him. Now this Freind had been asking us for prolly 2 years if he could move in, but I always had an excuse of why I could say no. At this moment, all my truthful answers were gone! And the friend had cash in hand for rent, and honestly some of the life dramas we were having had to do with the lack of money. Needless to say my life has comepletely been turned upside down. I have so many feelings about this whole situation, I do even know where to start. And well this "Friend" and I REALLY do butt heads. One fight after another after another after another, I felt like I was more then done with EVERYTHING....The roommate, work, marriage, everything honestly feels like its killing me in this slow and incridibly painful way. No its not all about the roommate, but honestly I may be able to cope with the other life CRAP if this wasent attacking my mind, heart, and soul every 2 F'in seconds! So yesterday, John's Step Dad called him to tell him that the family had pre planned DAYS ago this christmas gathering, but as ussual we are the last to be informed about it, because John is so easy going, he just deals with this crap! DUDE we had less the 4 hours notice! WHAT IS THAT? I honestly would have just said that we were busy and skipped it! Its not like it really was that big of a deal if we hadent shown up.... Mom would have been sad for like a Minute! but there were so many people there you wouldnt have noticed the lack of US!! Dude.... You barely noticed us there! GOOD TIMES GOOD TIMES! anyway, we went, i got incribly overwhelmed like 5 different times, and had to step outside for fresh air at least twice! there where people everywhere, and some that were really LOUD AND CRAZY! Football Fan's, "I DONT GET IT" as the roommate would say ALL THE FREAKIN time! so now we are at the dinner table and every body is talking and being MARRY!!! and I just kinda uh..... Spaced Out! So I guess while I was spacing out I was looking at my step brother in law?!?!?! who was holding the salad Bowl... I guess I was giving his some SUPER crazy eyes over it too.....He suddenly stopped dishing out his salad so that he could hand me the Bowl because he thought I was REALLY WANTING THE SALAD LIKE CRAZY!!! Anyway, it was the best part of the whole night, Laughing at my weirdness! ;) I didnt want the salad. We eneded up leaving soon after that, because my J man was not feeling so well.... I think it was the Heat... It serioulsy felt like a SAUNA!! serioulsy people TURN DOWN THE HEAT! We eneded up taking a long drive home through the country with the windows comepletely down, just to recouperate from it all.... and I was once again reassured of why I SHOULD NEVER DRIVE! But i think thats another story! Did you all kow that next week is Christmas? Dont even get me started on what the roommate says about christmas!! But let me just say it was a 3 hours lecture about why it is not a Christian Holiday! UGH! None the less I do NOT feel the Christmas Spirit upon me at all!!! I wont even have the money for presents until Wed night! Talk about last minute! Which ive never done! But I dont really even seem to care this year! I am completely done with 2009...... and I just want it to be over with.... I plan to CUT ALL MY HAIR OFF to start 2010.... Needless to say J man isent so Happy of this choice! But I need to do what I need to do! I need to be able to control something in my life! And that is currently the only thing i have! So I think my new years resolution is to BLOG more about the CRAPPY POO in my life, but try and be more positive everywhere else! I kinda suck at remember to use this as an outlet. Which I really should instead of my facebook status's! So Wish me luck, and feel free to hold me accountable, when im POOR MEING! I wish you all love and peace in your hearts! And may the Holdy Spirit be with us all!

The Misunderstanding to Understand~!

There are so maany times that I feel like nobody understands me, and that there is no was that they possibly could. I mean.....If I cant even understand how I feeling, and what I am doing, How am I to expect other too? Its so complex in my heart... I just have this longing to reach out to somebody, anybody, who may just for a moment may accually know what I am going through. Seriously.... I often look to a friend or a loved one, and then get so disapointed thinking that they would could maybe understand what I was going through at that moment.....but no matter how loving and supporting that person is, I still leave feeling completely alone in this world. Its funny, because most people who know me on a casual basis, are like you really arent that bad. Well TRUE!! On most curcumstances I can control it, or hide it. But that doesnt mean that its not there.... and unfortunetly, it seems to express it self more, once I let more wall down. Im sorry to my dear sweet husband who deals with my emotional outburst with ease.... But I know it has to be teramendous on him.. He says to me that he know what he was getting into before you did it.... I often wonder if he just likes the mess! I guess its his way of feeling needed... But I often feel like I take adventage of his love. (If anybody is accually reading this and wondering why I didnt take the time to edit this, you have completely misunderstand the reason I have this blog.) My mi9nd moves so fast, all the time, good or bad days..... Good days its about happy things and happy people, and awesome butterflies flying around on the screen....on my bad days, my thoughts are often about why God doesnt just bless me and let me by his side now, and how I do not want to wait. Please dont misunderstand and think that what I said is suicidal, lets not be ignorant or naive..... I have a strong faith in the lord and Strongly beleive against suicide... I would never, and will never! that being said, We all die....I just honestly wish my time is sooner then later.... I have no wish to grow old! also that being said, my worst fear is that I will never die! I will out live all of my loved ones, and I will just be a sick old woman, who cant talk, walk, see, anything, but no mater what CANT DIE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Anyway, thats a bad day! Now MOST days are not good days or bad days..... they are both......once upon a time when I had a doctor he refered to me as "extreme rapid cycling" now what this means is that I am ALWAYS an EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER!!! I can go from a really bad moment to 1n hour as hyper and happy and crazy giddy girl as youve ever seen. Now when I start to get quiet that when you know its bad.... NO THAT doesnt always mean im in a low.....It means that my mind is going up and down so fast I cant keep up..... Ive also learned in alot of ways, to just plug it up and shut up..... and with most people, that works!!! Most people are so into them selves, and naive that they have no clue that such things are going on. But currently I have this one person in my life , who seems can read me like a book.. She ussually knows that something is up the second that she walks in the door. I find this diffiicult..... I mean my job requires me to put everybody elses needs infront of mine... I try my hardest to be professional and as with it as I can when I am at work.... But this person has a window in to my soul....and I love her for that.... but I feel worried that I sometimes step over the friendship/professional line with her. Ugh I dunno! Also I dont always know how to open up anymore. I am always scared that I am going to scare somebody. People assume all the freakin time!!! 0And they dont bother to ask questions to clarify....its so annoying. I much rather some one ask me questions to better understand me, then for me to sit here and wonder who I scared this time, because i wrote some depressed facebook status. seriously......if you are worried about me, dont you think that letting me know that people love me and care about me would help my mood! UH YEAH!!! IT WOULD! OK...IM DONE FOR NOW!!! My Mind has completely left this subject....I haveno idea what I was saying! Ciao!

Memories are like the chicken pox scars of the soul!

I havent written a blog in a very long time. I stopped since I got so busy.....but honestly I find it to be very therapeutic. Alot has happened alot has changed.....but yet in the same way, NOT A SINGLE THING has changed. It almost seems pointless to talk everything that I have been up too.....what does it really matter....same thing different day. Some moments are great and grand, others are just whatever. The point of this is not to keep updated on what is going through my life, but rather for me to vent and get things off my shoulders......Hopefully though, people who do take the time to read this, will also take the time to comment and give me feedback with their thoughts, ideas, feelings and or etc.....also I would hope that the people that take the time to read this would be honest with them selves and know that I dont mean to hurt anyone and or upset anyone.. This is just a place for me to vent open and honestly.....and please know... If you think something is about you....but it doesnt straight out say that it is you, your probably wrong. People now days seem to take everything and anything that another person say's SO personally! I mean serioulsy, how many people is 1 persons life? How many of those people do you think annoys or aggrivates in one single day? Well if you have anything like my life....it happens kinda alot. Not that im mad at people... But I just dont get it half the time! Life is hard enough.....I just dont understand why people let the little stuff get to them all the time. I try every single day to keep my spirits high, but ya know being Bipolar, it sometimes is ALOT easier said then done, and having grumpy people all the time makes it almost impossible. BLAH BLAH BLAH
What am I even saying? Serioulsy?
So Memories are like the Chicken Pox Scars of the Soul....... Im sure most people have had Chicken Pox, and you may have a few of those annoying little scars on your face or arms or whatever, that you dont really think about most of the time, But if you look REALLY Close you see them.....well that is how it is with ALOT of my memories. I dont think about them most of the time, but something like a smell in the air, a song a radio, a stranger walking by, and BOOM, your smacked in the face with a memory that seems to tare you apart almost as much as it did the first time. This sort of thing isent very good when you have anxiety attacks...But thankful it doesnt happen all that often either.
Although it does ussually seem to happen in clusters.....and well that can get really over whelming at times.
Moving on..... Johnathan and I went camping this past weekend, and on our way home we drove north so we could stop at Fort Stevens State Park, which accually holds alot of great memories from my childhood, but after we went to Fort Stevens we went home through ASTORIA, a certain biological father lives there.....and that just made me start thinking many diffent thoughts.... If you read some of my past blogs you may have a better understanding of what my thoughts may have been. Well im coming to a part in my life, where I am questioning how I would feel if He died, and I had never taken a moment to get answers to questions, or have any understanding who he is. I still dont know where I stand on this subject. But I have made some contact with him. I am just going to try and take this one moment at a time....that is all I think I really can do. Now one of my sisters took it apon herself a few years ago, to meet him and ask him face to face all the things that haunted her soul.... I am so proud that she was strong enough to do that, but me.....at this point in my life, I think I will still need the protection of the internet walls to keep me safe.. I honestly have no want to see him. But to get a climpse into his soul might help my heart. We will see!
UGH....Im tired!!! Sorry for being so random!