Am I Depressed?

Being asked at that just seems a little strange. Its not like its new information. This is not a new thing. It has been going on for awhile. Am I that good of an actor? Or Do people just think that it got better? I know that people are busy with their own lives and are doing their own thing, but when somebody asks me that, somebody who I would have thought would have already understand that I was "Depressed" and have been for awhile, I feel like im invisible. I feel like no one cares, I feel like no one understands. Which is funny because I know I am not alone, I know that people around me have been going through hard times as well as I. I know they know. I guess they just like to ignore what is right infront of them. I do understand its hard to pay comeplete attention to others when you are going through your own trials and tribulations. I am not even asking for asking for more attention. In alot of ways, I wish I could have less attention. I guess I am just asking that people not assume they know what is going on in my mind, and or ask such questions. I feel like I am being put in a Box. Like I am not acting in the norm, so I need to be LABELED in some other manner. OH SHE SOUNDS DEPRESSED. Does that make it better in the worlds eyes. Does that explain all of the strange behavior, or the radndom rantings that I have. Oh Shes going Britney Spears on our ass now. Give me a F'in break. Stop putting me in a box, I am I, I am not this disease! It seems that society has a hard time talking about such things, and I guess labeling it makes it so much easier for them our something. But honestly, if someone wanted to show me that they cared, they would just ask me if I was OK! Then if I were like I normally would do and Lie and say oh yeah Im just fine, or peachy or whatever BULL I felt like throughing off the cuff, they would sit me down and say seriously whats going on?!? But NOPE.... They either ask HEY HOW YA DOING, just to pass the weather, or they put me in a box, and offend me. And honestly, sometimes I can doing a pretty damn good job of ignoring my rainy day mood, as long as all the fuckers around dont go around pointing it out to me. And to top it all off, dont try to cheer me up. I am not a stress eater, I am not a go look at the pretty picture kind of gal... And honestly....my life is always so consitited of PUT ON A PRETTY FACE, that I get sick and tired of it. I ALWAYS have to go and hide away my emotions and feelings, I like to for one FUCKING second be able to be pissed off, cranky, moody, and just release that energy, instead of always hiding it in, and letting it boil into my veins. and the truth be told, when I am this "depressed" as your would put it, pretty pictures and pussy cats, and fluffy bunnies, just makes me more depressed. To make me feel better, is not to ignore me, its not to feed me candy, its not to make me play in the sunshine. Just let me be me, and let me know that I will be cared for by you no matter what me, comes out! Honestly, There is really only one person in this world other then GOD that makes me feel like I can be myself, and talk to them about anything and everything, and thats my Husband and really thats all I really need. But you must know, that having fair weather friends, or friends who the majority of the time that we talk its ALL ABOUT THEM, make me sick. I rage in the cage to not scream at them. But I try my hardest to not be like them.. I care about people, and I would really hope that it shows in how I am ussually patient with how they carry on for hours and hours about this and that, without even once letting me finish a sentence. But there comes a time that I just want to bash in my head, and scream from the annoying selfishness that this society holds so dear to their hearts. Im sick and tired of LIFE, does that make me depressed>? Because if so, I was depressed out of the womb! Wanna ASK ME THAT QUESTION AGAIN? Please note, this blog is for me to VENT, not meaning to offened anyone. ALSO note that, that question has been asked of me several times by several different groups and it has just been eating away from me. Please Know that I Love all my Friends, in their own special ways. I hope you all have unjudgemental evening..............& *May You All Awaken In Your Loved One's Arms, With Clear Minds, And Free Spirits!*

Temporary Home

Little boy, 6 years old
A little too used to bein' alone
Another new mom and dad,another school
Another house that'll never be home
When people ask him how he likes this place
He looks up and says with a smile upon his face

"This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home."

Young mom on her own
She needs a little help got nowhere to go
She's lookin' for a job, lookin' for a way out
Because a half-way house will never be a home
At night she whispers to her baby girl
Someday we'll find a place here in this world

"This is our temporary home
It's not where we belong
Windows and rooms that we're passin' through
This is just a stop, on the way to where we're going
I'm not afraid because I know this is our
Temporary Home."


Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers don't cry for me
I'll see you all someday
He looks up and says "I can see God's face."

"This is my temporary Home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through
This was just a stop,on the way To where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know this was
My temporary home."

This is our temporary home







People never really quite understand, that I just dont feel like this is where I am supposed to be. I have felt this call to go "home" my entire life. Home is where God is is, Home is where the pain is supposed to stop. Home is where I want to be. You can eve ask my mother that at a very young age I thought I was going to die. I have learned over time that it was just hopeful thinking. Being bipolar people are quickier to jump to conclusions and think that I am talking about suicide. WHICH I AM NOT! But I do undertant that it is a fine line that I am balancing. For years I am have felt conflicted on how to comminicate this yearning in my heart. But finally a song was written that spoke to my heart, of how I excatly have been feeling my entire life. "This is my temporary Home It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through This was just a stop,on the way To where I'm going I'm not afraid because I know this was My temporary home." IThis song speaks to me and makes my heart weap for I am so ready to go "Home" but yet I know that God is seemingly not done with me here yet, and I must stay here to finish whatever it is that he brought me here for. Some Day.....Some Day I will be blessed enough to go HOME! Until Then......*May You All Awaken In Your Loved One's Arms, With Clear Minds, And Free Spirits!*

The Best Intentions SEEMINGLY Failed!

I had every intention to write a new blog every few days, starting in January, but somehow life just overwhelmed me once again, and I completely lost sight of what I wanted, needed, and or intended. There has been so many things happenening in the last 2 months that I hardly even know which end is up. Alothough it does seem that I have made it through, I am a bit worn and shattered by the whole experiance. They say God only gives us what we can Handle, but I agree with Mother Teresa when she said, "I wish he didnt trust me so much!" I would like to say that that it is all over and now life is calm and easy. But lets not pretend! It does seem that some things have calmed down alot, but never the less, life is never a dull routine in my world, and honestly I do wish for calmness and peace. My heart has been hurting so much I dont even know what I want anymore. I would scream, if I thought I had a clue what to ask for when loved ones came running. Verything inside of me is just pushing and pushing to break loose, but I once again, sufficate it to be in the norm, the box of life. My mind goes faster then ever before, I can barely even understand what it is saying in its self. I sit lifeless on the couch, watching countless tv shows, just to drown out the noise of my mind. I feel like I might has well be on my bipolar medicine again, I mean if im gonna be this NUMB, I might as well be "healthy" right!? What thoughts. Honestly I hate the thought of ever being on meds again, even if I think/KNOW it would be good for me. But I also would love to be able to seek help when I needed. Of course that is not really a choice in my life, with the lack of health insurance. The words out my mind do not just write them self down onto paper. To try to understand the rumbaling just makes my ache and throb. This morning, I felt fine. But as the day progressed I started to see what I beleive they refer to as a Migraine Aura. The Halo effect was disconcerning, because this was intently the first time I have ever had it. It progressed so rapid that I felt my mind slipping away from any rational thought process. It was just a short time after that, the the halo effct had gottan so bad, that I could barely see what was directly infront of me. When I spoke, my mind gumbled everything, that it sentnces structured backwards, but to me, it sounded like complete nonesense. By the time that I needed to puke my guts out, I could barely handle any and all sound. No to even mention the children playing down the hall, the babies crying in the room, and or making the nessesary phone calls, to request to go home. I proceeded to vomit more on my way out, and continued through out the afternoon, LOTS of Advil, Lots of stashed away Maxalt later, I was able to fall asleep for 5 hours. To awaken to the dull ache of what I know is a migraine. This is the worst one I have had. At least in the quick progression. Blah. Blah. Blah. The light of the Monitor is killing my head. I must run far far away. *Goodnight People..... May You All Awaken In Your Loved One's Arms, With Clear Minds, And Free Spirits!*