The Best Intentions SEEMINGLY Failed!

I had every intention to write a new blog every few days, starting in January, but somehow life just overwhelmed me once again, and I completely lost sight of what I wanted, needed, and or intended. There has been so many things happenening in the last 2 months that I hardly even know which end is up. Alothough it does seem that I have made it through, I am a bit worn and shattered by the whole experiance. They say God only gives us what we can Handle, but I agree with Mother Teresa when she said, "I wish he didnt trust me so much!" I would like to say that that it is all over and now life is calm and easy. But lets not pretend! It does seem that some things have calmed down alot, but never the less, life is never a dull routine in my world, and honestly I do wish for calmness and peace. My heart has been hurting so much I dont even know what I want anymore. I would scream, if I thought I had a clue what to ask for when loved ones came running. Verything inside of me is just pushing and pushing to break loose, but I once again, sufficate it to be in the norm, the box of life. My mind goes faster then ever before, I can barely even understand what it is saying in its self. I sit lifeless on the couch, watching countless tv shows, just to drown out the noise of my mind. I feel like I might has well be on my bipolar medicine again, I mean if im gonna be this NUMB, I might as well be "healthy" right!? What thoughts. Honestly I hate the thought of ever being on meds again, even if I think/KNOW it would be good for me. But I also would love to be able to seek help when I needed. Of course that is not really a choice in my life, with the lack of health insurance. The words out my mind do not just write them self down onto paper. To try to understand the rumbaling just makes my ache and throb. This morning, I felt fine. But as the day progressed I started to see what I beleive they refer to as a Migraine Aura. The Halo effect was disconcerning, because this was intently the first time I have ever had it. It progressed so rapid that I felt my mind slipping away from any rational thought process. It was just a short time after that, the the halo effct had gottan so bad, that I could barely see what was directly infront of me. When I spoke, my mind gumbled everything, that it sentnces structured backwards, but to me, it sounded like complete nonesense. By the time that I needed to puke my guts out, I could barely handle any and all sound. No to even mention the children playing down the hall, the babies crying in the room, and or making the nessesary phone calls, to request to go home. I proceeded to vomit more on my way out, and continued through out the afternoon, LOTS of Advil, Lots of stashed away Maxalt later, I was able to fall asleep for 5 hours. To awaken to the dull ache of what I know is a migraine. This is the worst one I have had. At least in the quick progression. Blah. Blah. Blah. The light of the Monitor is killing my head. I must run far far away. *Goodnight People..... May You All Awaken In Your Loved One's Arms, With Clear Minds, And Free Spirits!*