AHHHHHHHHHHH ROOMMATES!

Seriously!
How difficult do people really need to be? I know that we really only have a few more months to go, so in turn I would hope that all of would be trying our hardest to be getting along. And yeah I am the crazy bipolar crazy one, so things are a little hard for me to keep my cool. But really I feel like I am living with a pair of idiots sometimes.
OK so here is the sorry of our Roommate situation. Last Decemember My husbands best friend called him and told him that he was going to be homeless starting that night and that he would be living in his truck with his 2 cats. Well My husband at the time were living in a 2 bedroom apartment that we were just using the extra bedroom as and office/guestroom. So me being the person I am, NO MATTER how I felt about this guy, did not want him living in his car in 20 Degree weather in his truck. So I agree'd with my husband that his friend could come live with us for that month, for $300 (what the friend was offering to pay) and a month should be plenty of time for him to find a new place to live, or for us to decide if we could handle this for longer term. Well, after a month, My husband and I decided that the money was helpful, and life kind of kicked us in the ass, we ended up needing to move into a different apt, within the same complex due to remodeling, and/or move to a different complex all together. Either way, it would be alot more money then what we were paying before. So My husband, myself, and the "Friend" all moved together into this new apt. and signed a yr lease! YIKES! Well then the roommate this summer went a got him self a girlfriend off the internet, she's from virgina! ;) Then he decided to go and get her preggers! HEY, I never said this guy was smart! :P Well, Now she lives with us too! OMG! So now you have me .... BIPOLAR CRAZY ANXIOUS BITCH GIRL~!, A.D.D. ASSHOLE DUMBASS ROOMMATE, A.D.D. Preggers BITCH Girlfriend, and My Sweet Piecemaker of a Husband! If you cant guess, its a little NUTS at our house! Seriously though, someone should offer us a reality show, because the drama that goes on here, is better then most. Our Lease is up the end of Jan. So I am counting the days.....88 days as of Today! :P But seriously...... My hopes would be very simple... That people would do the things that say they will. Ok... we have 3 cats... So we all, except the Girlfriend, take turns changing the litter.... but the roomate is incharge of buying the litter and dumping out the old stuff, and putting in the new batch. He buys the litter, we buy the food. That was the original deal when we had 4 cats, 2 the roommates and 2 ours. It worked out fairly even in price. Anyway, The roommate was supposed to change out the litter on Monday, and He didnt, and then he said he was going to do it on Tuesday, but again, he didnt, and guess what happend on Wed? YEP! NOTHING! But Tonight, Thursday, with several days of nagging, and text messages from me, and my hubby tonight he accually bought the litter. But it is now 11 pm.... and he has yet to get it into the litter box! I seriously am ready to go APE SHIT on him! But my loving husband who is at working (working graveyard shift) is trying to keep me calm while he is on his breaks. I am not sure how that is going to work. I ranted and vented to him, just a little bit ago, and he decided to call the roommate, to talk to him, and then the BITCH of a GIRLFRIEND, decided to throw a tantrum slamming the door and yelling because of it! When she full well knows that he was supposed to do this days ago! I have no idea, how one idiot ape finds another, but I guess its good that they have eachother!
I just cant wait until feb. I really need to just me and my love again. I miss those days so much, and I miss the days of when I can just have some time to myself, when I just do whatever I want, and no one bugging me, no one in my face, no one asking me to close the window, becuase its too cold, no one to turn the light off, no one to play a sound war with, no one I have censor myself around......... Im just so ready Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Am I Depressed?

Being asked at that just seems a little strange. Its not like its new information. This is not a new thing. It has been going on for awhile. Am I that good of an actor? Or Do people just think that it got better? I know that people are busy with their own lives and are doing their own thing, but when somebody asks me that, somebody who I would have thought would have already understand that I was "Depressed" and have been for awhile, I feel like im invisible. I feel like no one cares, I feel like no one understands. Which is funny because I know I am not alone, I know that people around me have been going through hard times as well as I. I know they know. I guess they just like to ignore what is right infront of them. I do understand its hard to pay comeplete attention to others when you are going through your own trials and tribulations. I am not even asking for asking for more attention. In alot of ways, I wish I could have less attention. I guess I am just asking that people not assume they know what is going on in my mind, and or ask such questions. I feel like I am being put in a Box. Like I am not acting in the norm, so I need to be LABELED in some other manner. OH SHE SOUNDS DEPRESSED. Does that make it better in the worlds eyes. Does that explain all of the strange behavior, or the radndom rantings that I have. Oh Shes going Britney Spears on our ass now. Give me a F'in break. Stop putting me in a box, I am I, I am not this disease! It seems that society has a hard time talking about such things, and I guess labeling it makes it so much easier for them our something. But honestly, if someone wanted to show me that they cared, they would just ask me if I was OK! Then if I were like I normally would do and Lie and say oh yeah Im just fine, or peachy or whatever BULL I felt like throughing off the cuff, they would sit me down and say seriously whats going on?!? But NOPE.... They either ask HEY HOW YA DOING, just to pass the weather, or they put me in a box, and offend me. And honestly, sometimes I can doing a pretty damn good job of ignoring my rainy day mood, as long as all the fuckers around dont go around pointing it out to me. And to top it all off, dont try to cheer me up. I am not a stress eater, I am not a go look at the pretty picture kind of gal... And honestly....my life is always so consitited of PUT ON A PRETTY FACE, that I get sick and tired of it. I ALWAYS have to go and hide away my emotions and feelings, I like to for one FUCKING second be able to be pissed off, cranky, moody, and just release that energy, instead of always hiding it in, and letting it boil into my veins. and the truth be told, when I am this "depressed" as your would put it, pretty pictures and pussy cats, and fluffy bunnies, just makes me more depressed. To make me feel better, is not to ignore me, its not to feed me candy, its not to make me play in the sunshine. Just let me be me, and let me know that I will be cared for by you no matter what me, comes out! Honestly, There is really only one person in this world other then GOD that makes me feel like I can be myself, and talk to them about anything and everything, and thats my Husband and really thats all I really need. But you must know, that having fair weather friends, or friends who the majority of the time that we talk its ALL ABOUT THEM, make me sick. I rage in the cage to not scream at them. But I try my hardest to not be like them.. I care about people, and I would really hope that it shows in how I am ussually patient with how they carry on for hours and hours about this and that, without even once letting me finish a sentence. But there comes a time that I just want to bash in my head, and scream from the annoying selfishness that this society holds so dear to their hearts. Im sick and tired of LIFE, does that make me depressed>? Because if so, I was depressed out of the womb! Wanna ASK ME THAT QUESTION AGAIN? Please note, this blog is for me to VENT, not meaning to offened anyone. ALSO note that, that question has been asked of me several times by several different groups and it has just been eating away from me. Please Know that I Love all my Friends, in their own special ways. I hope you all have unjudgemental evening..............& *May You All Awaken In Your Loved One's Arms, With Clear Minds, And Free Spirits!*

Temporary Home

Little boy, 6 years old
A little too used to bein' alone
Another new mom and dad,another school
Another house that'll never be home
When people ask him how he likes this place
He looks up and says with a smile upon his face

"This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home."

Young mom on her own
She needs a little help got nowhere to go
She's lookin' for a job, lookin' for a way out
Because a half-way house will never be a home
At night she whispers to her baby girl
Someday we'll find a place here in this world

"This is our temporary home
It's not where we belong
Windows and rooms that we're passin' through
This is just a stop, on the way to where we're going
I'm not afraid because I know this is our
Temporary Home."


Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers don't cry for me
I'll see you all someday
He looks up and says "I can see God's face."

"This is my temporary Home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through
This was just a stop,on the way To where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know this was
My temporary home."

This is our temporary home







People never really quite understand, that I just dont feel like this is where I am supposed to be. I have felt this call to go "home" my entire life. Home is where God is is, Home is where the pain is supposed to stop. Home is where I want to be. You can eve ask my mother that at a very young age I thought I was going to die. I have learned over time that it was just hopeful thinking. Being bipolar people are quickier to jump to conclusions and think that I am talking about suicide. WHICH I AM NOT! But I do undertant that it is a fine line that I am balancing. For years I am have felt conflicted on how to comminicate this yearning in my heart. But finally a song was written that spoke to my heart, of how I excatly have been feeling my entire life. "This is my temporary Home It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through This was just a stop,on the way To where I'm going I'm not afraid because I know this was My temporary home." IThis song speaks to me and makes my heart weap for I am so ready to go "Home" but yet I know that God is seemingly not done with me here yet, and I must stay here to finish whatever it is that he brought me here for. Some Day.....Some Day I will be blessed enough to go HOME! Until Then......*May You All Awaken In Your Loved One's Arms, With Clear Minds, And Free Spirits!*

The Best Intentions SEEMINGLY Failed!

I had every intention to write a new blog every few days, starting in January, but somehow life just overwhelmed me once again, and I completely lost sight of what I wanted, needed, and or intended. There has been so many things happenening in the last 2 months that I hardly even know which end is up. Alothough it does seem that I have made it through, I am a bit worn and shattered by the whole experiance. They say God only gives us what we can Handle, but I agree with Mother Teresa when she said, "I wish he didnt trust me so much!" I would like to say that that it is all over and now life is calm and easy. But lets not pretend! It does seem that some things have calmed down alot, but never the less, life is never a dull routine in my world, and honestly I do wish for calmness and peace. My heart has been hurting so much I dont even know what I want anymore. I would scream, if I thought I had a clue what to ask for when loved ones came running. Verything inside of me is just pushing and pushing to break loose, but I once again, sufficate it to be in the norm, the box of life. My mind goes faster then ever before, I can barely even understand what it is saying in its self. I sit lifeless on the couch, watching countless tv shows, just to drown out the noise of my mind. I feel like I might has well be on my bipolar medicine again, I mean if im gonna be this NUMB, I might as well be "healthy" right!? What thoughts. Honestly I hate the thought of ever being on meds again, even if I think/KNOW it would be good for me. But I also would love to be able to seek help when I needed. Of course that is not really a choice in my life, with the lack of health insurance. The words out my mind do not just write them self down onto paper. To try to understand the rumbaling just makes my ache and throb. This morning, I felt fine. But as the day progressed I started to see what I beleive they refer to as a Migraine Aura. The Halo effect was disconcerning, because this was intently the first time I have ever had it. It progressed so rapid that I felt my mind slipping away from any rational thought process. It was just a short time after that, the the halo effct had gottan so bad, that I could barely see what was directly infront of me. When I spoke, my mind gumbled everything, that it sentnces structured backwards, but to me, it sounded like complete nonesense. By the time that I needed to puke my guts out, I could barely handle any and all sound. No to even mention the children playing down the hall, the babies crying in the room, and or making the nessesary phone calls, to request to go home. I proceeded to vomit more on my way out, and continued through out the afternoon, LOTS of Advil, Lots of stashed away Maxalt later, I was able to fall asleep for 5 hours. To awaken to the dull ache of what I know is a migraine. This is the worst one I have had. At least in the quick progression. Blah. Blah. Blah. The light of the Monitor is killing my head. I must run far far away. *Goodnight People..... May You All Awaken In Your Loved One's Arms, With Clear Minds, And Free Spirits!*

A Babies Smile!

I'm sitting here trying to ignore all if their annoying habits! Co-Workers banging on the table, smacking their lunch while they eat, reading articals outloud about some celebrity, talking with eachother about American Idol......the list goes on. I have my headphones on, with the volume turned up as loud as I can! Some people may walk by and think that I am trying to tune-out my bipolar thoughts that are running a million miles per minute! And that may be the case on some days, but today it's so I don't go insane from all the annoying habits you people hold. Most days I can ussually ignore these things. Today is not a normal day. It's been a long week.....emotionally! More then likely a blog for another day! Let's just say it's a doozy, with death, skulls, and repressed memories! This is really the first day I have been at work all week and it's Thursday! In some ways I really hate that I have to be here! I wish I could afford to take some more time off for some "mental health" time! Although I'm not really sure if more time would help. There are the other ways that I feel completely blessed to have the job I do! It's pretty easy to leave all your worries at the door when you come to work with 8 of the most adorable babies in the world! ;). I work in child care, and beleive me it's sometimes a really emotionally draining job! But other days it's the only thing that can lift you up! Today was one of them! The demons in my mind have been tearing up my heart all week, and just when I think I can't handle anymore I pick up a baby and they giggle and smile as big as they can! During that moment everything that was on my mind, in my heart, it's all gone and all I can think about is this precious baby! It reminds me that God is near by, and even though things get hard, and then harder, and even harder He is there, Holding my hand or Carrying me through, and as long I remember that and give it up to him, things will get better, they always do, God is always there! I always hear people talk about when things get hard for them they question god, and deny his pressence, they say " if God was True, why would he let these bad things happen? Why wouldn't he stop the pain?!" God gave us freewill! And most of the time people really appricate that! But with freewill comes sin,and with sin comes pain! Now, sometimes one persons sin can cause their entire family pain, for years and years and years! And God will be there for that family, but he won't turn back time, he won't take back someones sin! He won't take back the freewill that he gave us all! He will comfort those in pain, he will show us the light of a lesson through the pain. He might even touch someone elses heart, so they don't commit that same sin. And he will guide you as long as you will listen! He is a gentle god, he is a forgiving god, he is a god that stands by his word, he is a god that loves his children. He loves us so much, that he doesn't control us, he let's us make our own stupid mistakes, but he will be there to listen to us confess that we are dumb, he will be there to help us learn from the dumb, and even when you rebel and run as far as you can from God, but he will still be there, just patiently waiting , for whenever you may need him.....he will be right there! & If you look close enough you might even see his face someplace random, like in a babies smile! ;)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:NW 116th Ave,Portland,United States

I'm Over It! I'm Over You! Time to Say Goodbye

Facebook! What is it really for? I believe it was originally intended for people to find past classmates or even just old friends that you have lost touch with! But what it had accually turned into is a bunch of idiots who waste their time playing "Cafe World" or "Farm Ville" or other pointless activities that have nothing to do with keeping in touch with people! I sign on-line and the majority of the time there are no messages from friends, there's no comments on my pictures. Heck 90% of my friends list don't accually even write status updates. The entire News Feed is all about so and so played this game, or that! I get these private messages.... That are stupid fwd crap! About post this in your status or post that, don't tell the boys!!! Seriously? What a freaking waste of time! I got rid of myspace and went to facebook because friends and family were facebooking! But someone tell me!!! What are you getting out of this!? Because personally I'm not getting a damn thing out of it anymore! I was orginally planning to delete my page after some drama withing the in-laws. J asked me not too, because that would make the little insecure abusive man more upset! So I complied! I have set out the goal to not write status updates at all during the year 2010! This was so that little men wouldn't get offended over something that doesn't have anything to do with him, once again! Well the one enjoying factor I had with facebook is now gone, so now what?! I have a very addictive personallity, I think thanks to the bipolar in some ways, well even though I do NOTHING with facebook anymore I continually get on-line to look at it, and honestly every tine I do it I Get Mad!!! It makes me so annoyed how ridiculous it is. Everyday I sign on, there's atleast 15 cafe world request, 10 farm ville request, 7 vampire wars request,5 private messages to post something idiodic in my status updates, and 0 things that are accually personal to me, or really anything that is personal about those on my friends list! To say the least IM OVER IT!!!! And honestly little man has taken me off of his friends list anyway, I don't know if it was his way of Flippin Out, or the advice of someone else! Either way.....me deleting my facebook should no longer cause family drama! So it's time to say GOODBYE!!!! I intend to Delete Delete Delete my Facebook page as soon as I get home. "Say Goodbye to My Little Friend!"


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:St. Vincent's Hospital, Portland Oregon

New Hair, New Year, New Start!

I have been looking at some of my old blogs. Its amazing how much I feel the way way then I did 2 or 3 years ago. Also in the same respect, I feel that I have been on this journey to being more publicly "Normal"....but while on that journey I feel that I have completely lost who I truly am. I have so many Burdens on my heart that really I just need to let them go, because honestly they just dont matter at all!
Some people probably wonder why do not edit my blogs, or heck even sensore my blogs..... and honestly your missing the point. The point is not for me to communicate with the world, in this frabricated way....The point of this blog is two-fold.....First: The Blog is a SAFE way for me to release some of the Bipolar energy that I can not release in any other way. And Second: For the World to understand how random and how quickly a bipolar persons mind can switch from one thought to another and they me not even know it. Honestly if I were to sit here and "EDIT" after I was completly done, the only EDIT that would be done is DELETE! And honestly I dont want to Delete these blogs....the reason is Also two-fold.... first I get some real insights into myself when I look back at my old blogs. and Second, when people comment, or even verbally tell me what they thought about what I said and such it also gives me things to focus my thoughts onto. Now That being said..... My Blogs in NO WAY are meant to upset or to offend someone. But You have to know that this is my way of venting my feelings and thoughts. I WILL NOT edit my thoughts! I have to do that so much of my life already.....and you may not understand how painful it is, to hide yourself from those who think they know you or understand you, but it rips my soul out every time I do it.... Honestly as of lately I almost feel like I no longer have a soul....Back to the point....I will not sensore my thoughts or feelings, this is my outlet! You have to understand that I am not going to like everything that you do or say to me..... Just as you do not like everything that I say or do to you! But This is my outlet! I reccomend that if you do not like it you can either STOP READING, or you can get your own damn blog and vent it out! I do think that it is completley ridiculous that I now have to SENSORE my facebook page, because my husband's sister married a WANKER! I mean seriously, Do you really think its all about you? (I mean other then this portion of this blog right here) Because it wasent, its still not! You Naive lil F'er!!!! You have never said a word to me in person! And then you write some BS comment on my facebook, and I tried I really tried to be as nice and polite as I can, even though YOUR RUDE! and now we have a family incident on our hands! Give me a Flippin break! Pull your head out of your ass and get a clue!!!! Oh and your wife may deal with your abusive personality BUT I WILL NOT! I didnt deal with it from my Ex-Husband, and I WONT deal with it from you! You just test me lil man! If you wanna go run to Mommy again, thats just fine..... But I will bring DAD into this, and then where will you be!? Dont temp me!! SO BUGGER OFF!
So 2009 has been CRAP of a year! My goal is to make sure that 2010 is at least a more enjoyable one. Live Life as if I were Dying! I dont really care what tomorrow brings! Lets Just enjoy today....Live in the Moment! 2009 also really lacked some good Blogs! I guess I was using Facebook more and a blog! Well Thats over now! Oh and if any of you wonder why there will no longer be status updates, or blog links in my facebook, you can go thank the WANKER! ;) I dont wont this blog to be private....but ovbiously some people cant handle it! So for them, THEY DONT HAVE TO LOOK AT IT! But for the rest of you, who accually care about what goes in my life and or my mind......please carry on and read away! I also aplogize for my temper! If you cant tell ive been pretty upset about this for awhile now!
My Grandma Riddell passed away this past Wednesday. She was my Father's Mother. I recon I will write a blog just to her, in the nearest of futures. I will miss her terribly, But I am happy that she is with the Lord now! My thoughts and Prayers go out to my Sister's in OHIO! I guess thats all I have to say about that, for now! :(
Its amazing lately I can not write about things very well RIGHT when they happen.... I have been having to wait! My emotions have been seemingly to
much for me to be able to think about, write about, or even comepletely understand.
So for the New Year I CUT MY HAIR!!! I have been wanting to cut it super short for such a long time, But J does not like it so much, so for him I have been keeping it longer! (Longer then what I wanted, But not LONG by any means!) I have been completely feeling out of control of my life lately, just with all the life drama that has been going on. So I decided that one thing that I could control was my hair! Kinda a new beginging for me. This year I plan to find myself again. I feel like I have been so lost for so long... I plan to write more blogs....Im hoping to AT LEAST write 1 blog every 2 weeks.....if not more~! Even if they are a little shorter, I think that will be fine. Also this year, I plan to write only positive facebook status's....if I need to say more, then I shall be in a blog! It's funny, that even though Im serioulsy annoyed that I now have a "Family Incident" on my hands, It all seems to have happend for a reason, God really does make things happen for a reason, and its just our job to make the most of it. This is also true when It comes to the Roommate situation. I was kinda becoming a major bump on a log when I came home from work, and would just sit down and watch TV and comepletely disapear from reality. The Roommate being here, and me moving the Furniture, I think was all in Gods Plans. His plan to get me off my BUTT! and do something ANYTHING! So blogging, excercizing, being a better wife, heck even talking to people on the phone more often (for some people, that isent a good thing...but for me, I ussually only text message people, so if you dont communicate via text message, I ussually dont communicate with you)....these are all things that I plan to do with my new start this year! Its a Goal at least! ;) I think that this may be one of the first times I have ever accually made a New Years Resolution! Good For Me! :) Im trying somethings new! HAHAHA