Being a teacher I am getting ready for the new school year. Yes while I work in a child development center I work all year round, but every fall the children move up in classrooms, new teachers, new friends, and a whole new environment. It truly is an exciting and sometimes difficult time. But I am incredibly excited. Yes this time of transition is busy and sometimes stressful but having change is sometimes good for the soul. And my soul has needed it. As some of you know this past year has been a bit of a struggle for me professionally. I had to suck some things up and just go with the flow.....well on occasion I struggled greatly, let's just say personal differences are sometimes hard, especially when you are in such close proximity to someone every single day. And those of you that know who I am talking about should also know that I love this person as a person, but the working situation was less the enjoyable for me….and honestly I think she felt the same way at times. (Believe me I know I'm difficult to handle at times.)
Anyway …… Things have changed…..we have both went are separate ways, and are in better places in our lives. I hope that this year brings great things for her…and that she succeeds in everything that she wants in life.
The new fall brings many new challenges…new children, new co workers, new responsibilities and a new job title. That's right people…..I got promoted!! I am so excited! Yes I know that it just puts more on my plate, but sometimes I think I do best when I am kept busy….then when I'm bored out of my mind and feel like I have no control over everything. No I don't want to be a control freak….But I definitely have an opinion and I want it to be heard. Anyway, the new job title is Coordinator. This is basically part of the management team within a child development center. To be a Coordinator means that I will be in charge of 3 classrooms and 6 other teachers other then myself. I will be making sure that everybody's work goes harmoniously. ;)
Today is a true blessing when it comes to weather. The last few weeks have been HOT! We had three days in a row of 103 degree temperatures. Which I know some of you love…. But being in Oregon I am not so use to that. And I do not enjoy it in any way. I much rather a day be 85 or so…yes that would be a decent summers day… at least I could handle being outside and doing things with the children. But today….The blessing day….it's only 70 some odd degrees today….I woke up to Thunderstorms in the sky and RAIN RAIN RAIN!! J Blessed be the Rain! I am 100% Oregonian…..actually I am 4th generation Oregonian… I love me some rain! I walked in to work this morning as happy as could be….of course all my coworkers were grumping about because their sunshine had left the, and wah wah wah wah! But I just did not care I have my rain! And the weather for most of this week will be similar! Not raining all the time…but at least the low 70's!
This kind of weather makes me even more excited for the fall……I love the fall…..in my opinion it is the best season of all time. The colors of the leaves, the sweet smell of the rain….the easy sleeping nights with my bedroom window open, the smell of freshly sharpened pencils, the 2 best holidays in the year, and of course my birthday! HOW COULD I NOT LOVE THE FALL?? J
To say the least IM EXCITED!!!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
The Miraculous Fall!
The Dream State of a Bipolars Mind!
Ever since I can remember, I have had the most incredibly vivid and realistic dreams. From a teenager onwards they have varied in frequency in occurring until the last few years, as my bipolar disorder became more and more pronounced. They do seem to get more horrifying when I am in a manic state, but yet I still have them in great detail when I am feeling normalish....or even depressed.
Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of a dream and still be in it....but yet im awake now.....almost to a point where I feel like I am hallucinating ... But yet I can snap myself out of it, by getting up and going to the bathroom or a getting a drink of water or something.
These dreams feel like they are completely real. The ussually portain to mylife....and they are NEVER farfectched stories. I am NEVER flying in the sky, or falling or anything like that. It is Always something that I would accually be doing, or have done.
On friday I was pretty much in a hypermanic state. Life was good! But when I went to bed it was all lost! I had one dream after another, after another after another. They were not happy dreams in anyway...but yet they were so vivid...I woke up many times completely out of breathe or almost screaming out of being so terrified. I would basically describe them as comeplete night terrors.
I ended up sleeping almost 14 hours.....Which I really never do...I do like to sleep alot....most of all on a weekend...but I dont ussually get much more then 10-11 hours on my weekends. But I slept almost 14hours....and yet when I dragged myself out of bed I felt exhausted. It was like I hadent slept at all....I was completely drained. Like I hadent slept at all.
As a result of the dreams/night terrors, I was basically in a comeplete depressed FUNK! My poor Hubby. He woke up and I am just OUT OF IT! He didnt know what happend....and I didnt want to talk about it. But my loving husband did everything in his ability to just make everything else around me easier and he gave me space....but yet showed me that he was there for me when I was ready. Last night John wanted to watch "The Happening" by M. Night Shyamalan.....and I was a bit nervouse because I was sure that watching a scary movie was not going to help my night terrors. But last night I was blessed. Yes I had super vivid dreams....and the were very constant....but not a one of them were scary or frightening.
So I did some research yesterday....and well I guess this is normal for people with bipolar...Most of all those with Rapid Cycling (Which I am). There are article's after article's on the subject. But yet I have not found anything that gives any advice of what to do about them. So does anybody have any advice? Have any of you had similar experiances?
My Name is Luka.....
"Luka" By Suzanne Vega
My name is Luka
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes I think you've seen me before
If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble. some kind of fight
Just don't ask me what it was
Just don't ask me what it was
Just don't ask me what it was
I think it's because I'm clumsy
I try not to talk too loud
Maybe it's because I'm crazy
I try not to act too proud
They only hit until you cry
And after that you don't ask why
You just don't argue anymore
You just don't argue anymore
You just don't argue anymore
Yes I think I'm okay
I walked into the door again
Well, if you ask that's what I'll say
And it's not your business anyway
I guess I'd like to be alone
With nothing broken, nothing thrown
Just don't ask me how I am
A friend of mine, that is dear to my heart is going through a divorce.....and in turn makes me start to think about about my divorce.....and the reason for it, and the turn of events that lead up to it! The Marriage itself only lasted a total of 4 months.....and even still....was the longest part of my life ever. As most of my closest of friends know....that it is not something that I enjoy talking about.....but I am getting better about it. I am starting to realize more and more of whatt happened now that I have been away from the situation for such awhile. See this time of my life is before I found out that I was bipolar. But of course.....strongly beleive that I was already suffereing from it. I am not saying that my ex's actions were called for in anyway....but I am understanding and excepting that my bipolar may have had a big role in all! Now understand this is still really hard for me.....so I may leave out big factors, and may of course not even make a world of sence, but........................
We got married on June 23rd 2001. We had lived together for a year or so before we got married....and everything was great...or well so I thought! We were planning and family and everything. On june 24th...things started getting really odd!! My sister had paid for us to have a room at the local holiday inn for our honeymoon night! Yes were poor...but I thought happy! Anyway...he wanted to stay in the hotel another night.....so he took me home....and made me sell all of my jewelry and such so that we could afford the room. It started out with him telling me....why do you need all of the jewelry from other guys or whatever....i have now and I dont need those consant reminders of others. It all made sence to me....but when I started to get weepy over something that my mother gave me....but he knew it would make some cash....he started to smack me and tell me that I didnt love him, and didnt want to have a nice honeymoon with him! Things just went on from there. He decided that i needed to quit my job, because he wanted to be with me more often...and he couldnt have me whenever he wanted me...if I had a job. Well I refused to quit.....so he went to my boss and told them, a bunch of aweful things that I suposedily said about them and etc. Which if I had been in the job awhile I figured they would have known better...or at least have talked to me about it.....But I had only been at the job for a few months, and Idaho being a right to work state.....they fired....on the phone! then he proceeded to beat the crap out of me for not doing what I was told! Now see....im a pretty strong willed person....and I was thaught to be a independant thinker....and I didnt just roll over and take it....I faught back...each and everytime. and me being in idaho, I thought I had no-one!! And that no-one would understand. Things were rough.....but everybody says the first year of marriage is the hardest.... I dont know....and I guess part of me....since I didnt know what a healthy marriage looked like, since my parents were never an example for me.....I really didnt know what to expect. Things just continued...all the time. There really wasent a moment in a day, that when we were toegther we werent fighting about one thing or another. I was getting to the point were I was just getting really tired of fighting. I would just lay there.....let him do whatever he wanted. I started to beleive that I was his wife.....which as he said I was his property. "There was this one time...." that we were talking about kids.....See orginally he said that he wanted children...but after we got married he changed his mind....I wanted me to himself....He hated how some of his friends were getting ignored by their wives because they had to take care of the children....well....that was one of this biggest fights that I remember.,..... I was shocked...i didnt understand why his opionin would change like that.... and I kept trying to reasure him that he would always be my number one and etc. (YES I WAS SICK, the things that go through my mind....a any womens mind when she is going through this sort of thing.) Well of course we ended in a major physical battle....he was trying to get me to shut up....and had me pressed against a wall by holding me by the throat....anyway....I was trying to wrap my leg around his to try to trip him up....well he proceeded to step on my foot to stop me.....well.....it went from there.....but as most of my friends know....I still have these weird marks on my foot....and some odd strange pain....that gets pretty severe! (doctor thinks I may have nerve or cartledge damage). Anyway....the way that it finally ended!!!............. It was 9/11! He had gone to work....and I was at home! Accually asleep....when a close friend of mine called me...and told me to turn on the news....My heart....it sank...I couldnt breathe....all of those people.....and..and....and...My sister!!! See my sister worked in Manhattan.....I called my sister......busy signal...over and over and over again....I called my mom....she knew...she had been trying to call my sister all morning too..... but all of the phone lines in NY were down...... Finally after all of us freaking out and watching was happening we received an email from my sister at I dunno 9 or 10 at night! But when my ex...had gottan home I was freaking out....we still had, had no word of what was happening....of course my mind couldnt think anything but the worse....I was sobbing....uncontrollably.....He got SOOOO MAD! he didnt care....all he wanted was for me to shut up!!! He was shaking me...and smacking me...and I just kept crying....He did everything that he could to show me that he didnt care about me or my family in the slightest bit.....He ended up dragging me up the stairs to the bedroom....and held me out the bedroom window.....he told me that I was gonna shut the hell up or he was dropping me! Finally something came over me.....I dont know what it was.....and I said if you just wanna get rid of me...divorce me! Finally after basically hanging out of the window....and almost bleeding to death....and much pleading and begging....he agreeed.! The next day we went and started divorce procedures....I stayed in town.... I dunno why!! but i stayed...i guess to make sure to get it done! He for the most part stopped fighting with me....and stopped beating me...except for the occional rape here and there.... The papers were signed and filed on oct 6th....I left.. Oct 7! the Divorce was finalized Oct 31st! Yep it was quick! I gave him everything...I wanted nothing! Just my life! My mom flew out and came and got me! And the Lord blessed me with that once more!! Life!
Well this is all I seem able to share right now!! Hope you all understand!
A Broken Wing
By Martina Mcbride
She loved him like he was
The last man on Earth
Gave him everything she ever had
He'd break her spirit down
Then come lovin' up on her.
Give a little, then take it back
She'd tell him about her dreams
He'd just shoot 'em down
Lord he loved to make her cry
"You're crazy for believin'
You'd ever leave the ground"
He said "only angels know how to fly"
And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you oughta see her fly
One Sunday morning
She didn't go to church
He wondered why she didn't leave
He went up to the bedroom
Found a note by the window
With the curtains blowin' in the breeze
And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you oughta see her fly
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you oughta see her fly
"Alive" By J Lo
Time goes slowly now in my life
Fear no more of what I'm not sure
Searching to feel your soul
The strength to stand alone
the power of not knowing and letting go
I guess I've found my way it's simple when its right
Feeling lucky just to be here tonight
and happy just be me and be alive.
Love, in and out, of my... my heart,
And though life can be strange I can't be afraid
Searching to feel your soul, the strength to stand alone,
The power of not knowing and letting go
I guess I've found my way it's simple when it's right
Feeling lucky just to be here tonight
and happy just to be me and be alive
I guess I've found my way it's simple
when its right feeling lucky just to be here tonight and
happy just to be me and to be alive.
I guess I've found my way it's simple when it's right
Feeling lucky just to be here tonight
and happy just to be me and be alive
I guess I've found my way it's simple
when its right feeling lucky just to be here tonight and
happy just to be me and to be alive.
The Spitting Image of my Father!!!
Jessica Andrews - Who I Am Lyrics
If I live to be a hundred
And never see the seven wonders
That'll be alright
If I don't make it to the big leagues
If I never win a Grammy
I'm gonna be just fine
Cause I know exactly who I am
I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am
So when I make a big mistake
And when I fall flat on my face
I know I'll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowing
I will be just fine
Cause nothing changes who I am
I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am
I'm a saint and I'm a sinner
I'm a loser; I'm a winner
I am steady and unstable
I'm young, but I am able
I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me
And they know where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am
I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me
And they know where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am
That's who I am
There was something weighing hard on my heart last weekend...... I eneded up having a full flegged anxiety attack, over something that happened maybe 10 years ago......but the way I was feeling.....was the same way I felt when it happened! I do not know why something like this all of the sudden came back to me.....But it did!!! Me being the spitting image of my father.
So about ten years ago, my mother, grandmother and I were camping at a local state park. We all went for a walk through the woods and picked berries and had a grand ol time. When we started to head back to the camp site the wind started to pick up and was blowing everything around. Well I had not staked my tent down before this because I didnt see much reason to it....since there was NO wind before this moment. Well when we got back to the camp site my tent was blowing all around and was basically in a big smooshed pile. So my Mom and I started pulling it back to the spot and trying to get it staked down, during this NOW major wind storm. Well My mom and I were not agreeing AT ALL on how to get this accomplished. She wanted to do it one way, and me being stubborn me, wanted to do it another, and sense it was MY tent, I was sticking to that..... well being ME! The teenage Bipolar anger manangment ME! I was yelling at my mom and carrying on....Which my mom can handle just fine.....She unfortunatly was used too how I acted back then......but my grandmother on the other hand was not. And my grandmother heard how I was yelling and being stubborn and trying to boss my mother around, and etc, and My grandmother yelled at me "YOU ARE JUST LIKE HIM!" I stopped in my tracks, and turned around and said? "HUH??? WHO??" She said "YOUR AWEFUL!!! Just like your devil of a Father!" OMG she did not just say that!!! I Yelled at her, something I would never want to ever say to my grandmother, and then I ran away!
The whole sitituation just tore me up....I love my grandmother with all of my heart and soul, and I would never want to say such things to her. But what she said completely broke my heart! I couldnt breath.....I couldnt think!
I mean How could I be like him???? Ive never been around him!! I didnt even know at the time what that really meant....to be like him.....because honestly what was he like? But what I did know that is my ENTIRE family hated him, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, and with good reason my sister! My mom...always tried to not show her pain, and her feelings of him for my benifit.....but I knew he was a bad man! And now.....my grandmother is compairing me to him!! I just wanted to die...
Not until about 5 years later, when I was diagnosed with being Bipolar, and my mom and I did research on what that was and the different symptoms of it, and then finally doing some family research and finding out where I got my bipolar, did I understand what being like my father meant.
You see, my father was dicharged from the military and on ssi for manic depression, my grandmother (on my dads side) was diagnosed with manic depression, my great grandmother and great great grandmother (on my dads side) both were treated and housed in state instatusions and died from manic depression! Manic Depression and now known as Bipolar is heriditary! But it being in the blood line is not all... Ussually something happens in a persons life that pushes them over that edge!
I did not know any of this family history, sense I was not close to my father and/or the rest of the family before then. When I was diagnosed I mentioned in a letter to my grandmother (on my fathers side) about the bipolar, and that is how I found out.....all of the deep dark family secrets! This is how I was like my father! Who would have known! Well NOW I DO!
Yes, since then my grandmother (on my moms side) and I have made up.......and we have bonded alot more sense then! And yes, my bipolar manifests it self in much different way then it used too! Understanding is the true blessing!
My father has never given me much......other then a bunch of pennies......but now I can say that I have this from him......and yes.....It is a burden in my life sometimes.... But I am learning to make it into a blessing....and I am learning how appricate it and myself for everything that it and I am! :)
Hmmmmm...Happy Father’s Day!
I was talking to a friend the other day....and they asked what John and I were up too this weekend.....I mentioned that we were going to the in-laws (Johns parents) for a fathers day gathering! Well she inturn asked me....What about your dad!! So This is What is ABOUT my dad! (Warning....This is not a happy fathers day story) (and please forgive me for my mind is racing...I will try to stay on track....but I hope that you understand)
As a child I learned that Hate was a very strong and mean thing. And I realized that I did not want to have that type of hurt and pain in my heart.... But I couldnt help but harber it for my father! When I was six months old my father left my mother for my Babysitter! And no she wasent like some teenager..... She was my moms best friends that she had gone to highschool with, and they were raising their chidlren together and as if they were close sisters. Alot had happened before he left...but his leaving was a complete blessing in my families life. As later years had come, we had found out that my father may have been sexually abusing my 5 yr old half sister, before he had left....he had also tried to adopt my sister, and convince my mom that her father was a no good child abuser...my mom of course listening to her husband, who had manipulated my mothers mind and convinced her of such things, she started follwing my sisters dad everytime he had custody and what not! Question.....Why did he want to take my sister away from her father??? Just to ruin any and all chances for her to have a healthy realationship with a man!?
I basically never heard from my father most of my entire childhood.....except for 2 times! The first I was probably 6 or 7 and strange man....a man that I had never seen in my entire life knocked on the door. I had opened the door that day, but my mother was just a few steps behind me. As I opened the door, I remember him calling me baby or sweety!! I turned to my mom....and she explained to me that he was my father. Of course being completely confused I RAN! I ran into my bedroom and slammed the door! I pushed something....infront of the door....I think it was my toy chest or something! After a little while my mom came to my room and for some reason MADE me come out...and then she MADE me sit on the couch with him... I remember him being touchy feeling...hugging, trying to kiss me...holding my hand....nothing nessesaraly perverted but...it creepted me out for I DID NOT KNOW THIS MAN! I remember him giving me several handfuls of pennies...Pennies for my gumball machine.... I dunno maybe he thought he could win me over with such gesture I dunno!
The 2nd time I remember him I was.....about 13! I was home sick one day....and my mom was at work! He was all like...."Hey Sweet Girl....Ive missed my pretty girl....why dont you give your daddy a hug!" YIKES!!! he sacred the hell out of me.... I kicked him in the croch and told him to GET OFF the property, or I was calling the cops. He left right away! That was the last I have accually seen him!
Everything else that I remember of my father is just the police officers that used to show up at my house...looking for him! I guess this were the story gets a little more interesting! See My father used to live in OHIO! (GO BUCKEYES) He had a family there......a wife and 4 daughters. At some point he decided that he did not want to be a dad anymore....and he left them.....but before he left, he stole all of the family money, and sold basically everything they owned! He left his family with NOTHING!!! they had no stove, no furniture, no jobs, NO MONEY!!! And then of course he also wrote several VERY bad checks! and then he took off for Oregon, where he met my mother. Of course when he was dating my mom.....accually when they were married too, she really didnt know much about this, and OF COURSE everything she was told was LIES!
Anyway....My father never told ANYBODY about him having another child...Not even his own mother! But!! My father was on Social Security from being disabiled while in the military....He told my mother he had hurt his back or his hip or something like that....(but as I have found out it was for a mental illness...hmmmm, but thats another story) Well with my father being on SSI.....all of his children under the age of 18 received SSI... Well when I was born....His other childrens payments lowered, because its split between all of us. SO!! they figured it out pretty soon after it happened, which in turn they told my grandmother! (My Fathers mother) She took it apon her self to keep track of me, and send me birthday cards, and send me small trinkets, and what not! BUT she had never told him (my father that she had contact with me)
So a few years ago, one of my long lost half sisters and I had been talking on the phone on and off for a few years, and she decided that since I was an adult now and what not, she invited for me to come out to Ohio and to meet her, and my other sisters, and my neices and nephews, and grandmother and my aunt! It was a great trip.....the trip of a life time..I will never forget that, and I pray in my heart, that I will be able to do it again sometime. But anyway, when I was out there, of course we talked some about my dad....and my sisters, have their own sad storys of our dad, but my one sister, and I decided to call him.....I dunno it kinda of Thrilled us that we he was so BLOWN away by the fact that we had gottan together and that he had no idea! But of course it was not long into the conversation with him that he started creeping me out! He told me that I had a really nice voice (WTF does that mean?) and he started asking for alot of pictures of myself.....and he told me to wear something special and real cute, just for him! UH YEAH! that is were it basically ended! I havent called him since....but last year during this time of year, I sent him a e-mail...to tell him happy fathers day and tell him all about my life, and that I had gottan married and that I was super happy and etc. Well the email that he sent back was once again, CREEPY! He was basically pissed off the I was married....(I dont know why though... is it because it means I am no longer HIS baby girl.??...NOT THAT I EVER WAS!) the email cont. with him asking for pictures of me, since he never recieved any the last time he asked me, and he proceeded to say that he wished I would call him again, because listening to my voice makes him.......! Well! ANYWAY!
So now that I am older, and I have had a few more instances with him involved! I do NOT hate him! The way I feel about hate now, well.....its still a really strong emotion......and I honestly, I do not feel that he deserves any emotion out of me. I will NOT let him hurt me, but I will not also fake and pretend that I love him and/or imagine that he loves me! Some of my half sisters have felt the need to accually go and see him, and find out for themselves why he has done certain things and hurt them and the rest of us, and some of them feel that this is very important to them to forgive and to move on.....I do not know!!! maybe I will feel differently later in life, but HE is quiet an old unhealthy man, and I may not have that ability later in life! But right now.....I am ok with that! I honestly feel that I am no longer harboring the pain and resentment in my heart that I used too, I feel that I have forgiven him to the point that makes it ok with me! Sometimes....just talking about this stuff, helps move on! I do not even think about him very much anymore, but there are certain times of the year.....Like fathers day, that I just cant help it! I will NOT be calling him, or emailing him happy fathers day wishes this year! Its not that I wish anything bad against him, but I honestly do not think he has ever really been a father to me! So I do not care if its a happy day or not for him!
But to those men who have been more of a father to me, in just one moment in time, then my accual father has been in my entire lifetime! I love you..... Jesus Christ my heavenly father, My Grumps (RIP), Daddy Rick (My father in law), and my "Big Bro Joe". You guys are true blessings in my life.....and thank you for that!
Once again reminded of the type of "Christian" I do NOT want to be like!
So this morning when I signed on-line there was a bulliton posted by one of my freinds to add one of their friends.....a "Christian"....Jesus Lover of sorts. Well I like to make new friends, and I already knew of at least one thing in common....so I clicked to add this person!! Well.....I received this message in return... "I wanted you to know that I value any friend, though because of the nature of my space, I use for networking, I am careful of the contents on other's pages, I mean this by no means to be a judgment, though some images on your page felt a bit dark. I say this because I have come from similar darkness, and as an artist, in the past have even drawn in similar ways as some images on your page."
Yes......They mean "this by no means to be a judgement"......But what do they think it is???
Do they think that life is ALWAYS bright and cheery? Do they think that all bits of darkness is coming straight from the pits of hell!!! Well even then....Wouldnt they want to help shine light in my life....show me the light of the Lord. Or is it that they only want 100% perfect people, free of sin and free of hardship. Do they really want to make everyone think that is the only type of person that they can be "friends" with??
What ever happened to sharing the word with those who do not know it.....what ever happened to bringing those that are lost closer to god....whatever happened in showing your fellow man, the amazing love of jesus chirst?
So get this....this same person has this on their page.....
Really? ARE YOU SERIOUS??? How do you think you are acting like Jesus? Do you think Jesus would refuse to be my friend because I had "dark" pictures on myspace page??? I think not.....Jesus is proud to be friends with people of all kinds... He is not scared away from a challenge... it does not matter to him if his friends, or followers do not approve of a friendship that he has... Let just point out Mary Magdalene......Just about everybody knows the storys.....And everybody knows that she was not sinnless....But yet Jesus was close to her....He loved her, and showed her the way....It didnt matter how many people was against it, he remained her friend. So tell me again.....how are you being like jesus?
I am extremely upset by this....But I am not trying to say that this person is bad in anyway....BUT!!! It does make me realize how I do not want to be like.
I have met many people in my life that the second they hear that I am a Christian...they get ready to run! And why do they act like this?....well because that have been JUDGED so many different times....from people that didnt know them, they just knew one small part of their life...and these people were supposedly "Christians", and these people would basically throw stones at them...telling them that they were sinners, and unloved by god.....and because of WHATEVER they were doing they were going straight to HELL! People like that makes me sick!!! I dont care who you are.......or how much you TRY to act like god.....YOU ARE NOT GOD! and you are a sinner just like the rest of us!!! WHO do you think you are to judge people!! 
If you want to be more like God...try to work a LITTLE harder on showing people his never ending, uncondional, always forgiving LOVE!
And to those who have been hurt by the people who say they are Christians, but all they do is Hate on you...... I from the bottom of my heart am sorry.....and please know....Not all Christians are like that!! and I will ALWAYS try to be there for you, if you need me!!
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby.....
GLORY BABY by- Watermark
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we're home with you…
Until we're home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there's a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You'll kiss our tears away
When we're home to stay
Can't wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
'till mom and dad can hold you…
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it's hard to
understand it 'cause we're hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we're stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can't imagine heaven's lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know…all you'll ever know…
Those of that have known me for awhile, know that I have always wanted to be a mother......But in most recent months I have been on the other side of the spectrum.......Not saying that I didnt want children...but saying that I was enjoying the quiet time that John and I were having together...But I was not going to stop anything from happening.....I say its in Gods hands, and whatever happens....happens for a reason. Well....I am currently as confused as I ever have been in my life!! Some things have happened in the recent days that have made me think alot about life....and what I want from it. ........
I am having a hard time to not blame myself for what was happened......I just keep thinking...that maybe it didnt feel loved or wanted...people in nearest of pasts have asked me, what our plans were...and me not knowing that I was pregnant replied that I was not yet ready....and that I was still contemplating If I ever wanted to have a child of my own, anyway........ Since those few days alot has happend....Life has changed as we know it....my heart aches for something that I didnt even think that I was ready for......and now there is one more angel up in heaven watching over all of us....I think that the past few months were of a very confusing time for me mentally.....and many of you know, I have been once again been fighting my ongoing battle of bipolar.......which is in turn is a huge thing that has been holding me back from wanting to bring another life into this world.....I have been scared to death, of not being able to take care of a child of my own.....properly that is. I mean ....John and I are still struggling from pay check to pay check.....and I know in my heart of hearts that I would not be able to stay in my line of work if we had a child......it would cost more than what I make to keep my child in care.....and I wouldnt want to do that anyway....But the biggest thing that burdens my heart is one more human in this world with a mental disorder.....I could prevant that..... Yeah so far I have made it through life.....but it wasent easy.....and I almost didnt make it SEVERAL different times in my life.
But now after everything that has happened....I know......This extremely painful experiance has atleast tought me that I now Know that I really want to have a child.....I want to be a mother, and share the joys and even the pains of the world with an innocent little baby....If only god would bless us again sometime in our lives!!!
He's Always There~!
Nichole Nordeman "I AM"
Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed
You watched my team win
You watched my team lose
Watched when my bicycle went down again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Elbow Healer, Superhero
Come if You can
You said, I Am
Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at 10pm?
You saw my mistakes
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I'd never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And you said, I Am
You saw me wear white by pale candlelight
I said forever to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it is 2am
And when I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker
Hold onto my hand
You say, I Am
The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer
When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they'll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End
I Am
Yes, I Am
It amazing, no matter what you are going through, what you have been through, he is always there... he will never leave you. Its us.....that forget, its us .....that leave, its us ......that take his love for granted....But no matter what we do....He is ALWAYS there! I know it is so incredibly hard to remember that He is there with you when you are in so much pain and have such a hard time with life and whatever may be happening....But he is there....and His heart breaks for you, But he's holding you hand....He wants to help....You just have to put down that wall and let him in. He will Love you, He can Heal you, He comfort you, But you wont know that....until you acknowledge Him!!! Just Know he's There....Waiting to be your "I AM"
God’s Great Intervention!!!!
Everyday, people everywhere are fighting temptation. Its hard thing to fight....but everybody fights it from time to time in their lives. I really doesnt matter what it is in your life that is tempting you.... the important thing is how you get through it... and hopefully you can do it and come out stronger in the end.
Lately I have been struggling through a really hard time of my life....and I have been tempted...not once, not twice, but three seperate times. Again, what was tempting me really is not what is important here.....
What is important is that I know I am/was weak....If I were alone in life..I would not have made in through...I would have made the wrong decision...The wrong decision for me and my life....But I am not alone...I had God by my side. Its funny how no matter how many times I ignored God, and was going to do what I wanted to do anyway, He just kept coming back. He wasent sitting there telling me how evil I was for feeling the way I was, or how I was going to go straight to hell for doing this aweful thing, instead he was there....holding my hand, telling me that no matter what my decision He was going to be there for me, and never leave me. His love...uncondional love is what helped be to be strong enough to do what I knew was right in my heart.
:::::::::::::::::::I thank You God for always being in my life....For always knowing when I need him most....even if I am not whilling to ask for your help. For always loving me no matter what I do in my life to mess things up.. I love you My Savior Jesus Christ!! Thank you!!!:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Josh Turner "Long Black Train"
There’s a long black train
Coming down the line
Feeding off the souls that are lost and crying
Tails of sin only evil remains
Watch out brother for that long Black Train
Look to the heavens
You can look to the skies
You can find redemption
staring back into your eyes
There is protection and there is
peace the same burn in your ticket for that
Long Black Train
cause there’s victory in the lord I say
Victory in the lord
Cling to the father and his holy name
and don’t go riding on that long Black Train
There’s a engine there on that Long Black Train
making you wonder if your ride is worth the pain
he’s just a waitin’ on your heart to say
let me ride on that long black train
But you know there’s victory in the lord I say
victory in the lord
Cling to the father and his holy name
and don’t go riding on that long Black Train
Well I can hear the whistle from a mile away
it sounds so good
but I must stay away
that train is a beauty making everybody stare
but its only destination is the middle of nowhere
But you know there’s victory in the lord I say
victory in the lord
Cling to the father and his holy name
and don’t go ridin’ on that long Black Train
I said cling to the father and his holy name and don’t go ridin’ on that black train
yes watch out brother for that long black train
the devils a ridin’ that long black train.
Was I in the wrong?
So back in the Willy Ville days, I had a friend that I worked with at the YMCA.... I wasent the closest person to her, but we often scared our life experiances with eachother, and would hang out from time to time. Well a few months after I started getting serious with John, she was getting into a pretty serious realationship herself. Being young couples, we Spent some more time toegther, and we talked more and related more on our joint expericanes in life at the moment. I think we were getting to be alot closer as friends, but so were the Guys.....They seemed to have alot in common, it was kool, because anytime we went out we were all happy because the girls could chit chat..and the boys could do WHATEVER BOYS DO!! Well John and I moved out of WillyVille...we still hung out once or twice with this couple, but then they broke up!!! I know how devistating this was for both sides of the party. I was trying to do whatever I could to show that I would always be there for her. But in the same respect john and I continued being freinds with the guy. I didnt really see how or why I would need to ask john to stop having a a friend... (Take in mind the ONLY guy that john really bonded with while we lived in willyville) Well my friend (the girl) got incridably mad at me, and told me that I was not being a good friend...because it was impossible to support her and be a good friend while still talking to him!! I told her that I didnt feel that My friend ship with him had nothing to do with me and her...its not like I would talk to eachother about the other.... But she still told me that she couldnt handle knowing that I could have hung out with him, in a time before I saw her!!! take in mind this was not some weird 3 some kinda of thing...and also we werent in High School!!! SO what the HECK??? She told me to leave her alone from then on!!! SO I have! I tried to fight the battle...but I do want to respect her wishes of being left alone!!! Yes John and I are still friends with the guy...and yes we still spend time with him. But my question is...Was I in the wrong??? I think about this girl every so often...It really hurts my heart that I hurt her, and made her feel like she couldnt trust me as a friend!! So please tell me!! HONESTLY...Was I wrong?
The Bipolar in Me!
In the year around my 21st birthday I was diagnosed with Bipolar. The year before that was a very emotional roller coaster of trying to understand what was happening. It basically started to get bad when I went to see a family doctor for depression. Which those of you that knew me before that time...would understand why I was having a low in my life. When I went to see the family doctor they decided to put me on a common Anti-depressant. Not to far after that point I noticed some Insane moments. Very HIGH Highs... Felt like I was invinsible!! Almost like I was the best thing on the planet. There were some scary moments in life at the point...But after awhile...of not sleeping, not eating, not feeling human....some people that were close to me suggested that maybe I go back to the doctor and get a referal to a psychiatrist. So I went to one, and then another, and then another, and then another...finally a total of 5 different psychiastrist...they all did their own test, their own evaluations, and etc. All came up with the same answer...I had Bipolar. Then the REAL fun began! I was going to the doctor like every week....sometimes a couple times a week. First he started me on some Mood Stabulizer...and he kept upping it and upping it and upping it. Then he decided to add some Antidepressants. And was upping up and lowering the one, and then visa versa!! OMG It was medicated Hell!!! Things were just getting worse and worse in life. I felt so numb...I had no feelings at all, because of feeling nother I thought it would be better if I were just dead....I honestly was as Sudicidal as a Christian person really can get!! yeah I did not beleive by any means of killing myself...but I prayed every day, several times a day for god to please take me!!! My mom and my friends at work were getting seriously worried about me. So they called my doctor, and the "on call" doctor called me at work. I told my boss I wasent going to talk to him, but finally she made me! The entire conversation was the most devestating thing. he yelled and screamed at me for about 2 hours, finally I told him I WASENT going to hurt myself....just to get him to shut up and stop talking about him sending me to a State Menatl Inst. I honestly cant tell you how I finally got out of that... out of that mental state of mind....I know I never went back to work that day or several days to follow....I also know that I went back to my doctor....and believe me I told him what a AHOLE the "on call" guy was... (I seriously never wanted to hurt someone that bad before) But somehow...I beleive with the holy spirits great intervention...I made it through that time in my life. At some point my doctor decided to all of the sudden just double my medication. For example : 600mg, to 1200 mg. Just like Boom!!!! Im not sure what the decision was made for...hard to remember, but I got disgustingly sick!!! I endedup going to the emergancy room to get my stomach pumped...the doctors thought that I was trying to hurt myself....but my mom brought the precriptioon bottle...and I took what I was told!!! After that point, I was honestly scared! I mean if I cant trust my doctor to make those important decisions for me...Who could I trust? I stopped taking my medication!!! No I didnt tell ANYONE!!! Uh yeah I know how scarey that is for everybody else around me. I have heard the MANY stories of people doing aweful things when they all the sudden stop taking their medication! I was scared to stop, but I was more scared to continue. Around that same time is when I started dating the man of my dreams, (now known as my Husband). He was the sweetest human being id had ever met, he was always there for me. He would let me talk to him for hours, about anything and everything. It was almost like having my own personal therapist. Yes there were some crazy mood swings, and some major break down moments...But he was always there to hold me, and keep me safe....from myself..and I knew no matter what I did, he wouldnt leave me. For awhile now....things have seemed to be in a calm. I know though that is just how it works...I have no false hopes that im all better, or that it will never haunt me again...because I KNOW!! But for now....I dont feel crazy. yes I still have mood swings, yes it is still a challenge everyday to even get up, yes its a challenege to slow down my mind enough to get a single thought out, but I am coping with it right now!! I am sure that it will always be around, and more then likely something will trigger it to become out of my control again. But until then I thank god each and every day, for my moments of some sanity!
The Randomness of Teppy’s mind!!
Getting Ready for Mom's 61st B-day: As we are baking the her a cake, and signing the birthday card I think about how it seems so odd to be only 26 and my mom is turning 61. Yesterday at work a grandma came to pick up one of my kids, and I thought to myself wow, shes like 40 somethin, but that cant be possisble since I would have swore that the parents were early 30's. But honestly, it is possible, a mom can be 30 when the grandma could be like 46 or so.. Its all possible.. But My mom didnt have me until she was 35...(well almost 35). I remember when I was a kid I thought to myself that i would never do that, be an older mother...I told myself i wanted to have kids between 18-20ish....well ovbioulsy that never worked out!! And now I am enjoying being a married woman, with no kids...I love my husband and right now I just want to enjoy the time we have just the 2 of us..... Im not saying that I dont ever want to have children....but Im not ready for them right now....so what does that leave me?? Well being an older mother... Which in turn brings me to another thought..............
What is so WRONG with how we were raised?: Being an older mom, what would be so wrong with that?? What is it that made me so against that as a child?? Was my mom a bod mom??? BY NO MEANS!!! She did so much for me...yes, she was perfect, and NEITHER was I!!!! yes I do wish that childhood didnt have to be so hard, and I would hope and pray that for generations to come life get nicer and not meaner.. Anyway...being an older mom, or even a single mom(god forbid somethin bad happen to my hubby, because he knows I AM NEVER DIVORCING HIM), it wouldnt be the worst thing...My mom did it!! Yes I would hope that I could take care of my children even half as good and my mother took care of me and my sister. But it seems that everybody is complainging about their childhoods, and swearing that they will NEVER treat their children the way that their parents treated them... Some of my co workers were talking about some of the parents that they work with everyday... Somebody was talking about how they decided to not have Show-and-tell in their class anymore, but the preschool class next to them was keeping their Show-and-tell time.. they were canceling it because of all of the fighting between the children over the toys, because toys were being broken, and because it was making alot of frustrated parents... Anyway one parent complained about the new rule, because his twin children were in oppisite classes, and there was alot of grief at home because one child could bring toys to class and the other could not...Anyway the teacher was talking to the parent about they will be repalcing show and tell with share and tell or something like that, anyway the parent said "well i will have to see how my child feels about that" kind of implying that if the child does not like this, something will still need to be changed!! please understand I do want to repect children....but I honestly dont think letting a child get everything he wants in respecting him or her and or teaching them anything... that child is going to have do deal with teachers doing diffrent things and following different rule for the rest of his life, and honestly making him belittle the teacher is not a possitive message to be teaching you child. I understand that parents want to be better parents, and that they want their children to have things that they never had as children, because that is part of growing as evolving as people, All im saying is that parents really need to think about what message they are sending their children when they give them everything in the world that they want!!! Because the world will be a HUGE shock, if thats how they live!!
LIVE LIFE WITH NO REGRETS!!: A friend of mine wrote a blog last week about how she got into some hard times as a teen, and she cant even imagine how many people looked up to her, and how she thinks that she may have set so many people on the wrong path. And now that she a god fearing mother she worriers that she will reap what she sowed... that her children will be lead by somebody like she was, and get into the wrong kind of things and etc... Which honestly I think most parents feel that way, they hope that their children will not have to go through such tuff lessons for them to understand to not go down that path.. But my thought about this is... If she hadent gone through these life challenges, she wouldnt be the amazing person that she is now. I know that my friend has gone through some of the worst things imgainable...but look who she is now, and the wonderful family and friends that she has surrounding her now!! My heart rejoices for her!! She is a true testament to others, about how to overcome the bad, and still hold tight to your faith!! I love you Shann! So basically what i am saying to everybody is... Dont regret the past, rejoice in the fact that you have lived and learned....and yes...STILL LEARNING!!! "Please be patient with me, for god is still working on me"
When does a friend become an acquaintance??: When I moved more then a year ago, I was worried that I would lose my friendship with my pals from willyville, almost all of them reminded me that it was just a 30 minute drive away, not another state. And besides theres always the phone.. Well with MOST of them, i havent heard from them, unless I called them, or tried to have contact with them in some way... But at the same time, I havent tried as much as I probably should have, But life has changed for me, and has for them, we no longer share a job, or share friends and everyday activities, sometimes it just doesnt seem much worth it, when all you can do is have small talk, catch up on eachothers lives and thats about it...we all dont live close enough to just hang and chill on a regular bases...I dunno...Its all just left. So when did that happen?? When I moved? or sometime since then? Sometime in the middle of our busy lives? But now, even with the person who used to be my bestfriend (who of course moved even further away) we dont talk, hardly at all....but even when we do...I dont open up, I dont tell her my inner thoughts and feelings...our lives have reatched different chapters in the book of life..But I hope all of my once close friends, whether or not we are close now, I love you, and will always hold you near my heart!!!
Doctors evil plot or just added benifit??: So if any of you (other then just dear sweet mandy) read my last blog, you would know about my nasty migraines. Anyway I went to see a doctor several weeks ago...Anway she gave me lots of meds, a daily to help prevent the migraines, some meds to help when I feel a migraine start, and to help get rid of one once I have it!! Anway the daily pills that help prevent, I found out also is a mood stabalizer....mostly given for people with bipolar syndrome...so that fact that I have biplor, and that I have not taken any medications for the last 2 years (well mostly because I felt that it was killing me as a person, but thats another story), so my question is, was the doctor purposely giving me this medicne because she knew it may help with mood and such, or is that just an added bonus? Well so far...I am a little unknown on how I feel about it...and if it is changing/helping my mood in any bit. I do STRONGLY feel that is helping with preventing the migraines...I have been mostly migraine fee for almost 2 weeks now!! I also feel that maybe...just maybe it is slowing down my mind...at least enough that I can write down something that I am thinking about i.e. this blog....when normally, my mind races so fast I cant constrate enough to explain or say what I want!!
ENDING THOUGHTS: Last week was my grandmothers 80th birthday party....My uncle asked her for any words of wisdom... She said "Dont sweat stuff, and love and laugh!!" Thats all she said... Maybe we REALLY should take that to heart!!
Nasty Migraine!!
So I have been having these Aweful headache's for the last several weeks now....I am only presumming they are migrianes, but t hey have not been diagnosed. I beleive that these headaches are being set off by stress, but while I am going to still have to deal with some of the major stress for awhile.... I need help how to figure out how to deal with the headaches..... A major one that is the MOST recent, started last thursday night...and when I woke up on friday morning I tried to take some migraine pills (excerdrin) but i couldnt even keep water down that day....it took 5 different tried and finally I got some pills down....and then I still tried to go to work (why you ask....well thats just another story of stress) anyway, I tried to do it, but everything just got worlse, the flouresent lights hurt me, the music, killed me, the children crying or whiing ...OMG!!! So finally I told my boss I couldnt handle it anymore and she sent me home around 1ish...THANK GOD, and THANK YOU MARY!!! Anyway I spent most of the rest of the weekend in bed, with no lights not noise nothing....and had ice on my head, which made it lessin, but it NEVER went away... So I started the week with a dull never ending pain...but it was tolerable...well aqs the week as gone by and the more tired and worn out im getting the worse and worse im feeling, and now the sensation to puke everything up again....I have been avoiding going to the doctors for few reasons...the top reason being, I am not a BIG FAN!! I truly feel that I have never had a doctor HELP ME!! So what is the point?? Another reason I havent gone...is until just recently my insurance has been kinda here and there.... first I was on the "part time" insuraunce through my work.... but that barely would cover anything, basically just had it around for emergancies,. then when john and I got married I swiched to his insrance, but then in aug he got layed off....and then because of money issues, avoiding getting it again through my work but finally did in like november??? Another reason is because I havent been to doc IN YEARS!!! except for maybe an annual, but not even that for the last year...My only doc is in Canby, and thats kinda far for us now... I just havent CARED to find another. Anyway i am now planning to get a doctor..and make an aptoinment...., but until that happens...like hopefully just through the weekend what should I do to help it?? I would really like to go to work tomorrow....I really CANT miss any more time....I cant really make an apt for tomorrow because John has job interviews...and HE REALLY NEEDS a JOB!! So basically I am asking do any of you klnow what I am going through and do you have any advice of what I can do to help lessen the pain??? Thanx
R.I.P. My lil Murf!
Today John and I had to put our lil Kitten Murf down...........
OK To start from the begining, Johns friend Diana found a Kitten about 4 months ago, in the field behind her house, she watched it for a few days and it was obvious that it had been abonded, so she took it in. Diana did not want to keep the kitten because she already had MANY cats of her own. So she told John about it and he fell inlove with it right away. We took the kitten to the vet to make sure that everything was ok with it, and the doctor said that everything looked fine, but he did have a hernia. But the kitten needed to gain weight before anything could be done for it. At that time he weighed 1 lbs, and 8 oz. We decided to keep the kitten and named him MURF. He was been a great joy to our family. Blue our older cat seemed to love having a baby brother to take care of. They would play together, eat together and Blue would even help give Murf baths. Murf seemed to be doing fine. He LOVED to eat and cuddle!! Although I noticed that he really wasent gaining very much weight, or at least not fast enough for our liking. But he was a very happy lil guy. But the last few days he has been really sleepy, he didnt seem too interested in much of anything. he didnt want to eat, he didnt want to play, just sleep, and mostly in just one spot all day. Well, this morning when I got up I notcied that he didnt even want to stand up much, every time I put him to his feet, he'd sit back down just a few seconds later. When food was waved in his face he didnt even glance at it, and when I hel him he seemed really cold to the touch, and very limp body. John and I took Murf to the Dove Lewis center in Downtown protland, they are a clinic/ER/ICU for animals that is open 24/7/365 days a year, they also hlep work with low income people. They took Murf immeditalty, and finally when the Vet came to talk to us he basically said that he had not much hope for him. His Heart rate was very slow, he was only 92 degrees (when cats should be 100 and something), and now he only weighed 1 lbs. The vet said that we could do some very expensive tests to see if he had Kitty HIV, or Lewkimia, or something like that, or we could try to do out patient things too, but the vet said that no matter what we did he did not have a very good outlook for Murf, he did not even think that Murf would make it through testing or anything of that sort. He said that putting him down would probably be the best choice. John and I couldnt help but agree, with all of the circumstances. We did not want our lil baby to suffer. We were able to have our last time with him, and that was very important to us to be able to say goodbye. This is very hard time for us, since we loved and had bonded so close to our Kitten. He was defenitly part of our family, I know its hard for non pet owners to understand that, But we loved him like a child. We know that Murf is happy in Kitty heaven and hes running around playing with string and foam balls, and eating lots of clouds made our of kitty food. But we will always miss him and love him, and so will his big brother Blue!
