Hmmmmm...Happy Father’s Day!

I was talking to a friend the other day....and they asked what John and I were up too this weekend.....I mentioned that we were going to the in-laws (Johns parents) for a fathers day gathering! Well she inturn asked me....What about your dad!! So This is What is ABOUT my dad! (Warning....This is not a happy fathers day story) (and please forgive me for my mind is racing...I will try to stay on track....but I hope that you understand)

As a child I learned that Hate was a very strong and mean thing. And I realized that I did not want to have that type of hurt and pain in my heart.... But I couldnt help but harber it for my father! When I was six months old my father left my mother for my Babysitter! And no she wasent like some teenager..... She was my moms best friends that she had gone to highschool with, and they were raising their chidlren together and as if they were close sisters. Alot had happened before he left...but his leaving was a complete blessing in my families life. As later years had come, we had found out that my father may have been sexually abusing my 5 yr old half sister, before he had left....he had also tried to adopt my sister, and convince my mom that her father was a no good child abuser...my mom of course listening to her husband, who had manipulated my mothers mind and convinced her of such things, she started follwing my sisters dad everytime he had custody and what not! Question.....Why did he want to take my sister away from her father??? Just to ruin any and all chances for her to have a healthy realationship with a man!?

I basically never heard from my father most of my entire childhood.....except for 2 times! The first I was probably 6 or 7 and strange man....a man that I had never seen in my entire life knocked on the door. I had opened the door that day, but my mother was just a few steps behind me. As I opened the door, I remember him calling me baby or sweety!! I turned to my mom....and she explained to me that he was my father. Of course being completely confused I RAN! I ran into my bedroom and slammed the door! I pushed something....infront of the door....I think it was my toy chest or something! After a little while my mom came to my room and for some reason MADE me come out...and then she MADE me sit on the couch with him... I remember him being touchy feeling...hugging, trying to kiss me...holding my hand....nothing nessesaraly perverted but...it creepted me out for I DID NOT KNOW THIS MAN! I remember him giving me several handfuls of pennies...Pennies for my gumball machine.... I dunno maybe he thought he could win me over with such gesture I dunno!

The 2nd time I remember him I was.....about 13! I was home sick one day....and my mom was at work! He was all like...."Hey Sweet Girl....Ive missed my pretty girl....why dont you give your daddy a hug!" YIKES!!! he sacred the hell out of me.... I kicked him in the croch and told him to GET OFF the property, or I was calling the cops. He left right away! That was the last I have accually seen him!

Everything else that I remember of my father is just the police officers that used to show up at my house...looking for him! I guess this were the story gets a little more interesting! See My father used to live in OHIO! (GO BUCKEYES) He had a family there......a wife and 4 daughters. At some point he decided that he did not want to be a dad anymore....and he left them.....but before he left, he stole all of the family money, and sold basically everything they owned! He left his family with NOTHING!!! they had no stove, no furniture, no jobs, NO MONEY!!! And then of course he also wrote several VERY bad checks! and then he took off for Oregon, where he met my mother. Of course when he was dating my mom.....accually when they were married too, she really didnt know much about this, and OF COURSE everything she was told was LIES!

Anyway....My father never told ANYBODY about him having another child...Not even his own mother! But!! My father was on Social Security from being disabiled while in the military....He told my mother he had hurt his back or his hip or something like that....(but as I have found out it was for a mental illness...hmmmm, but thats another story) Well with my father being on SSI.....all of his children under the age of 18 received SSI... Well when I was born....His other childrens payments lowered, because its split between all of us. SO!! they figured it out pretty soon after it happened, which in turn they told my grandmother! (My Fathers mother) She took it apon her self to keep track of me, and send me birthday cards, and send me small trinkets, and what not! BUT she had never told him (my father that she had contact with me)

So a few years ago, one of my long lost half sisters and I had been talking on the phone on and off for a few years, and she decided that since I was an adult now and what not, she invited for me to come out to Ohio and to meet her, and my other sisters, and my neices and nephews, and grandmother and my aunt! It was a great trip.....the trip of a life time..I will never forget that, and I pray in my heart, that I will be able to do it again sometime. But anyway, when I was out there, of course we talked some about my dad....and my sisters, have their own sad storys of our dad, but my one sister, and I decided to call him.....I dunno it kinda of Thrilled us that we he was so BLOWN away by the fact that we had gottan together and that he had no idea! But of course it was not long into the conversation with him that he started creeping me out! He told me that I had a really nice voice (WTF does that mean?) and he started asking for alot of pictures of myself.....and he told me to wear something special and real cute, just for him! UH YEAH! that is were it basically ended! I havent called him since....but last year during this time of year, I sent him a e-mail...to tell him happy fathers day and tell him all about my life, and that I had gottan married and that I was super happy and etc. Well the email that he sent back was once again, CREEPY! He was basically pissed off the I was married....(I dont know why though... is it because it means I am no longer HIS baby girl.??...NOT THAT I EVER WAS!) the email cont. with him asking for pictures of me, since he never recieved any the last time he asked me, and he proceeded to say that he wished I would call him again, because listening to my voice makes him.......! Well! ANYWAY!

So now that I am older, and I have had a few more instances with him involved! I do NOT hate him! The way I feel about hate now, well.....its still a really strong emotion......and I honestly, I do not feel that he deserves any emotion out of me. I will NOT let him hurt me, but I will not also fake and pretend that I love him and/or imagine that he loves me! Some of my half sisters have felt the need to accually go and see him, and find out for themselves why he has done certain things and hurt them and the rest of us, and some of them feel that this is very important to them to forgive and to move on.....I do not know!!! maybe I will feel differently later in life, but HE is quiet an old unhealthy man, and I may not have that ability later in life! But right now.....I am ok with that! I honestly feel that I am no longer harboring the pain and resentment in my heart that I used too, I feel that I have forgiven him to the point that makes it ok with me! Sometimes....just talking about this stuff, helps move on! I do not even think about him very much anymore, but there are certain times of the year.....Like fathers day, that I just cant help it! I will NOT be calling him, or emailing him happy fathers day wishes this year! Its not that I wish anything bad against him, but I honestly do not think he has ever really been a father to me! So I do not care if its a happy day or not for him!



But to those men who have been more of a father to me, in just one moment in time, then my accual father has been in my entire lifetime! I love you..... Jesus Christ my heavenly father, My Grumps (RIP), Daddy Rick (My father in law), and my "Big Bro Joe". You guys are true blessings in my life.....and thank you for that!