The Bipolar in Me!

In the year around my 21st birthday I was diagnosed with Bipolar. The year before that was a very emotional roller coaster of trying to understand what was happening. It basically started to get bad when I went to see a family doctor for depression. Which those of you that knew me before that time...would understand why I was having a low in my life. When I went to see the family doctor they decided to put me on a common Anti-depressant. Not to far after that point I noticed some Insane moments. Very HIGH Highs... Felt like I was invinsible!! Almost like I was the best thing on the planet. There were some scary moments in life at the point...But after awhile...of not sleeping, not eating, not feeling human....some people that were close to me suggested that maybe I go back to the doctor and get a referal to a psychiatrist. So I went to one, and then another, and then another, and then another...finally a total of 5 different psychiastrist...they all did their own test, their own evaluations, and etc. All came up with the same answer...I had Bipolar. Then the REAL fun began! I was going to the doctor like every week....sometimes a couple times a week. First he started me on some Mood Stabulizer...and he kept upping it and upping it and upping it. Then he decided to add some Antidepressants. And was upping up and lowering the one, and then visa versa!! OMG It was medicated Hell!!! Things were just getting worse and worse in life. I felt so numb...I had no feelings at all, because of feeling nother I thought it would be better if I were just dead....I honestly was as Sudicidal as a Christian person really can get!! yeah I did not beleive by any means of killing myself...but I prayed every day, several times a day for god to please take me!!! My mom and my friends at work were getting seriously worried about me. So they called my doctor, and the "on call" doctor called me at work. I told my boss I wasent going to talk to him, but finally she made me! The entire conversation was the most devestating thing. he yelled and screamed at me for about 2 hours, finally I told him I WASENT going to hurt myself....just to get him to shut up and stop talking about him sending me to a State Menatl Inst. I honestly cant tell you how I finally got out of that... out of that mental state of mind....I know I never went back to work that day or several days to follow....I also know that I went back to my doctor....and believe me I told him what a AHOLE the "on call" guy was... (I seriously never wanted to hurt someone that bad before) But somehow...I beleive with the holy spirits great intervention...I made it through that time in my life. At some point my doctor decided to all of the sudden just double my medication. For example : 600mg, to 1200 mg. Just like Boom!!!! Im not sure what the decision was made for...hard to remember, but I got disgustingly sick!!! I endedup going to the emergancy room to get my stomach pumped...the doctors thought that I was trying to hurt myself....but my mom brought the precriptioon bottle...and I took what I was told!!! After that point, I was honestly scared! I mean if I cant trust my doctor to make those important decisions for me...Who could I trust? I stopped taking my medication!!! No I didnt tell ANYONE!!! Uh yeah I know how scarey that is for everybody else around me. I have heard the MANY stories of people doing aweful things when they all the sudden stop taking their medication! I was scared to stop, but I was more scared to continue. Around that same time is when I started dating the man of my dreams, (now known as my Husband). He was the sweetest human being id had ever met, he was always there for me. He would let me talk to him for hours, about anything and everything. It was almost like having my own personal therapist. Yes there were some crazy mood swings, and some major break down moments...But he was always there to hold me, and keep me safe....from myself..and I knew no matter what I did, he wouldnt leave me. For awhile now....things have seemed to be in a calm. I know though that is just how it works...I have no false hopes that im all better, or that it will never haunt me again...because I KNOW!! But for now....I dont feel crazy. yes I still have mood swings, yes it is still a challenge everyday to even get up, yes its a challenege to slow down my mind enough to get a single thought out, but I am coping with it right now!! I am sure that it will always be around, and more then likely something will trigger it to become out of my control again. But until then I thank god each and every day, for my moments of some sanity!