The Misunderstanding to Understand~!

There are so maany times that I feel like nobody understands me, and that there is no was that they possibly could. I mean.....If I cant even understand how I feeling, and what I am doing, How am I to expect other too? Its so complex in my heart... I just have this longing to reach out to somebody, anybody, who may just for a moment may accually know what I am going through. Seriously.... I often look to a friend or a loved one, and then get so disapointed thinking that they would could maybe understand what I was going through at that moment.....but no matter how loving and supporting that person is, I still leave feeling completely alone in this world. Its funny, because most people who know me on a casual basis, are like you really arent that bad. Well TRUE!! On most curcumstances I can control it, or hide it. But that doesnt mean that its not there.... and unfortunetly, it seems to express it self more, once I let more wall down. Im sorry to my dear sweet husband who deals with my emotional outburst with ease.... But I know it has to be teramendous on him.. He says to me that he know what he was getting into before you did it.... I often wonder if he just likes the mess! I guess its his way of feeling needed... But I often feel like I take adventage of his love. (If anybody is accually reading this and wondering why I didnt take the time to edit this, you have completely misunderstand the reason I have this blog.) My mi9nd moves so fast, all the time, good or bad days..... Good days its about happy things and happy people, and awesome butterflies flying around on the screen....on my bad days, my thoughts are often about why God doesnt just bless me and let me by his side now, and how I do not want to wait. Please dont misunderstand and think that what I said is suicidal, lets not be ignorant or naive..... I have a strong faith in the lord and Strongly beleive against suicide... I would never, and will never! that being said, We all die....I just honestly wish my time is sooner then later.... I have no wish to grow old! also that being said, my worst fear is that I will never die! I will out live all of my loved ones, and I will just be a sick old woman, who cant talk, walk, see, anything, but no mater what CANT DIE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Anyway, thats a bad day! Now MOST days are not good days or bad days..... they are both......once upon a time when I had a doctor he refered to me as "extreme rapid cycling" now what this means is that I am ALWAYS an EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER!!! I can go from a really bad moment to 1n hour as hyper and happy and crazy giddy girl as youve ever seen. Now when I start to get quiet that when you know its bad.... NO THAT doesnt always mean im in a low.....It means that my mind is going up and down so fast I cant keep up..... Ive also learned in alot of ways, to just plug it up and shut up..... and with most people, that works!!! Most people are so into them selves, and naive that they have no clue that such things are going on. But currently I have this one person in my life , who seems can read me like a book.. She ussually knows that something is up the second that she walks in the door. I find this diffiicult..... I mean my job requires me to put everybody elses needs infront of mine... I try my hardest to be professional and as with it as I can when I am at work.... But this person has a window in to my soul....and I love her for that.... but I feel worried that I sometimes step over the friendship/professional line with her. Ugh I dunno! Also I dont always know how to open up anymore. I am always scared that I am going to scare somebody. People assume all the freakin time!!! 0And they dont bother to ask questions to clarify....its so annoying. I much rather some one ask me questions to better understand me, then for me to sit here and wonder who I scared this time, because i wrote some depressed facebook status. seriously......if you are worried about me, dont you think that letting me know that people love me and care about me would help my mood! UH YEAH!!! IT WOULD! OK...IM DONE FOR NOW!!! My Mind has completely left this subject....I haveno idea what I was saying! Ciao!